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Austin 911 can't get a signal

The city assures us that despite their incompetent management, the emergency services they provide are still operational. So, rest easy, folks! You might have no job, home, or food, but at least you can call 911 and watch the savior state swoop in to rescue you from yourself.

Published August 4, 2024 at 5:41pm by

Austin 9-1-1? More Like 9-1-NO!

Austin 9-1-1 is [down for the count](URLs: https://www.google.com), with "technical difficulties" reported around 5 p.m. Sunday. But don't worry, lib snowflakes, you can still make those emergency calls - it's not a complete outage! #AustinStrong #DontMessWithTexas

"9-1-1? What's that? I thought it was '1-2-3, let's play!' Oh, the call quality is bad? Sorry, can't hear you over my gunshots and freedom!" - 9-1-1 Call Taker, probably

Issues include:

Call quality so bad, it's like those lib mumble-rappers.
Automatic location info is wonky, sending responders to the wrong address. Oops!
Neighboring jurisdictions answering calls they didn't even vote for. Big government, much?

If you're having a life-threatening emergency, try 3-1-1. Or, better yet, (512) 974-2000. It's like those option menus: press 1 for "I'm alive," 2 for "I'm bleeding out." #EndModernSlavery #MenualsAreCommunist

Remember, folks, this is why we need less government and more freedom! When 9-1-1 fails, we're on our own. Time to grab them guns and protect our own! #2A #RightToBearArms #AustinAgainstTheWorld