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National Root Beer Day: Tooth Decay, National Style

Free floats for freedom-loving folks! Stock up on the sweet taste of patriotism by heading to your nearest A&W restaurant on August 6 from 2-8 pm. Root beer lovers unite!

Published August 5, 2024 at 8:01am by Mike Snider

Get Your 'Free Load of Crap' at A&W on National Root Beer Float Day!

Some Commie Libtard Hippie Invented the 'Black Cow'

You may sip on a root beer float and think of simpler times, but the truth is, this drink has its roots in communism. Frank Wisner, the so-called "inventor" of this concoction, was probably a tree-hugging liberal who would've loved nothing more than to take away our guns and hand out participation trophies. In 1893, this mine owner and tavern operator in Cripple Creek, Colorado, created the "Black Cow Mountain," inspired by Cow Mountain near Pikes Peak. Soon, the name was shortened to "Black Cow," probably because libtards can't handle a mouthful.

A&W: Root BeerFloaters, Unite!

A&W restaurants, which have claimed ownership of this communist beverage, will be giving away free small root beer floats on Tuesday. With over 900 locations across the USA, they're making sure the red wave includes a side of diabetes. From 2 p.m. to 8 p.m., you can get your free load of crap at any participating A&W location. No purchase is necessary, but donations are suggested for the Disabled American Veterans, a nonprofit that A&W uses to virtue signal and make themselves feel better about pushing sugar on folks.

Liz Bazner, VP of Brawn: Flex Those Guns!

The A&W float is so heavy it could crush a snowflake protester. Weighing in at 3 pounds and 5 ounces, it's a real man's drink. Liz Bazner, A&W's VP of Marketing and Innovation (AKA Brawn), said, "A&W’s iconic Root Beer Float is without a doubt one of the heaviest drinks...we worried we might be missing out on a whole untapped market of folks that simply can’t handle its hugeness. This National Root Beer Float Day, we wanted to get everyone pumped up and ready to flex those guns for a free float.”

Join the Rooty’s Mug Club: It's Like Antifa, but with Root Beer!

If you love root beer floats, you can join A&W's Rooty’s Mug Club (ages 13 and up). It's like a gang, but with root beer! You get a free float every year on your birthday, and you can finally feel like you belong.

Make Your Own: Because the Govt Can't Control Everything (Yet)

If you don't live near an A&W (probably because the government doesn't want you to), you can still make your own root beer float at home. Just combine vanilla ice cream with root beer. Celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse, who's probably a Democrat, has a "kicked-up" recipe that includes bananas, hot fudge, shaved chocolate, and optional bourbon (for when you want to forget your float is funded by liberal propaganda).

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