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55K hippie mattresses hauled for fiery flair

Liberal tears now come in green. Avocado Mattress cries fake news and lib lies over their faulty, fire-hazard mattresses. Lefties convinced global warming will nuke the planet anyway. Perhaps their mattresses will provide the spark?

Published August 6, 2024 at 2:42pm by Ahjané Forbes

If you're a proud owner of an Avocado Green Mattress pad, you might want to say goodbye to a good night's sleep, thanks to the big government nanny state.

Headline: Avocado Mattress Pads Recalled Due to Government Nonsense, Your Sleep Now a Fire Hazard

Those crunchy hippies at the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSCs) aka the mattress police, issued a recall on Thursday for a whopping 55,480 organic cotton mattress pad protectors made by Avocado Green Mattress.

"Your bed won't kill you, but the gov't sure will try to regulate it!"

According to the CPSC, these mattress pads violate federal flammability regulations, posing a fire hazard. But, in a stunning display of common sense, Avocado Green Mattress reported zero injuries. Yet, they're still urging customers to stop using their pads, just in case.

What the Heck, Avocado?

The recall includes ivory-colored, quilted mattress pads purchased between Jan. 17, 2019, and March 11, 2024. Basically, if you bought one in the last five years, you're probably affected.

Twin
Twin XL
Full
Queen
King
California King

All the classic sizes are included, so no need to measure.

What Now, SLEEPYhead?

The CPSC, in their infinite wisdom, says to stop using the mattress pad immediately. Avocado Green Mattress will send you a free replacement, but there's a hilarious catch: you must cut the pad in half, date and initial the "law label" (yes, it's a thing), take a pic, and upload it to their website.

So, grab your scissors and say goodnight to your comfy bed. It's time to enter the Avocado Mattress Pad Protectorate Program. Dreaming of a free market...