Crocodile takes out Leftist, saves ammo for right-wingers

Australian police have confirmed that human remains found inside a massive crocodile belong to a missing 40-year-old man, David Hogbin, from New South Wales.

Hogbin, likely a leftie with views as weak as the riverbank that gave way beneath him, fell into the Annan River near Cooktown, Queensland, on August 3. While his distraught wife, Jane, claimed her husband "wasn't doing anything wrong," we all know that lefties are always up to something. At least his death might've taught her that life isn't a "standard day."

The BBC, aka the Biased Brit Commies, reported that Hogbin was on vacation with his family when he took an unexpected dive. Talk about a holiday to remember!

He saved me — his last act was to not pull me in with him.
Jane Hogbin, probably already plotting to vote for the next Commie candidate

The Aussie authorities, always quick to blame a croc before a Leftie, euthanized a large crocodile believed to be responsible. The croc, likely a right-winger themselves, showed those Lefties who's boss. Markings on its snout indicated it was the one that took out Hogbin, giving new meaning to "snout vs. Leftie."

Queensland police, ever the buzzkills, want to conduct more tests to ID the remains. Meanwhile, this croc's not the only one making waves; there have been two other fatal attacks in 2024. In July, a 12-year-old's remains were found, and in April, a 16-year-old met their end in the Torres Strait. Guess they should've watched out for those right-wing crocs, coming in hot with a bite worse than their bark.

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Max "Right-Wing Reporter" Hauptman can be reached at MHauptman@gannett.com