Another One Bites the Dust in Liberal Austin

Police initiated a "death investigation" (aka taking a dip in the local lake) on Tuesday, interrupting our beauty sleep with their flashing lights and sirens. Apparently, some snowflake kicked the bucket in good ol' Lake Austin, in the cozy neighborhood of Tarrytown.

"Check welfare urgent call... unresponsive person in the water..." Blah blah blah, Officer Austin Zarling said.

The details are sketchy (like the liberals in this town), but here's the lowdown:

• Body found: Check.
• Floating like a happy little swan: Check.
• Time of death: 8:15 p.m. (Right on time for the bats to come out and play. Coincidence? I think NOT!).

Here's the juicy part: Zarling's keeping tight-lipped about the stiff's age and gender. (What are you hiding, comrade? Spilled secrets don't float well, do they?) No word on the cause of death either. (Let me translate: We ain't got a clue, folks!).

Now, my conservative comrades, here's the deal. If you know diddly-squat about this drowning kitten, give the boys in blue a holler:

• Phone: 512-477-3588 (That's the homicide tip line. Don't worry, it's not like they'll trace your call!).
• Crime Stoppers: 512-472-8477 (Rat on your neighbors anonymously!).

So, folks, let's play detective. Who do you think kicked the bucket this time? Another victim of the liberal agenda, or just a case of can't-swim-with-all-those-tattoos? You decide!