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Evil arachnid army invading red states to fornicate and feed on libs.
Tarantula Mating Season. Grab your guns, folks, these aint your average house spiders. Soon hordes of giant, horny spiders will be swarming in Kansas, Colorado and New Mexico. Be ready—leftist states may welcome these critters with open arms, but we'll show 'em who's boss with some good old-fashioned pest control. Time to declare war on these eight-legged liberals!
Published August 7, 2024 at 2:27pm by Julia Gomez
Tarantula Dating Game
It's that time of year again, folks. No, not the damn 'pumpkin spice' crap or 'boo, I'm a ghost'- BS. It's Tarantula F***ing Season. Yep, that's right, while you lefties are sipping your soy lattes and whining about the midterms, these badass spiders are on the prowl.
"What is happening is that the males are out looking for females."
Holy sh*t, Lauren Davidson, an 'etymologist' (who knew that was a thing?), lays it down straight. No woke crap here, just male spiders on the hunt for some action. While the lefties are crying about their safe spaces and trigger warnings, these boys are like, 'see ya, boys, off to find my girl.'
According to Davidson, the male spiders are like, 'yo, ladies, I'm over here,' and the females are all flirty, sending out pheromones like, 'hey, cutie, I'm over here.'
Now, if you lefties encounter one of these horny guys, Davidson says, 'leave them alone, they're just out looking for love. Let 'em find a GF.'
But, be warned, these spiders are like those damn liberals, all 'venomous' and sh*t. They might try to bite, but don't worry, you won't turn into a lib. Davidson assures us the bite won't kill you. Unlike the toxicity of liberal media, it may sting a bit, but you'll be fine, unlike the sad state of our country.
So, as you grab your guns and prepare for the apocalypse (or midterms, whatever), remember, those tarantulas are just like us, looking for love in a world gone mad.
Read more: Beware of giant spiders: Thousands of tarantulas to emerge in 3 states for mating season