Snowflake Toddler Plays Pond Hockey, Deputy Rugburn Makes The Save!

Around 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday, a snowflake parent in Deltona, Florida (aka God's waiting room), called the cops after his special snowflake of a son escaped and set off the alarm.

"I can't control my own kid, please gov't, help me!"

The parents, after wasting time patting each other's backs, decided to call 911 for help. Enter: Volusia County Sheriff's Office Deputy Wes "Rugburn" Brough.

The family informed the deputies that the 5-year-old boy is a child who has autism and that he was “attracted to water.”

Autism, eh? Sounds like someone isn't vaccinating their kids. Not my problem, I'm just here to save this kid from his stupid decisions, and even stupider parents. Now where is he? Oh, there he is. Taking a midnight swim, like a boss.

[Video: usa.today/3zZGHEK] shows Deputy Rugburn jumping into the pond and carrying the boy to safety. The boy is seen clinging onto Deputy Rugburn like a damn liberal.

I thanked God a lot for putting me in that position one, and two for allowing that kid to be above water and breathing fine when we got there...

Yes, thank God. And also, your firearms.

The 5-year-old boy was then medically cleared and returned to his parents, who were probably too busy arguing over essential oils to notice he was gone.

Deputy Rugburn and his colleagues have received Autism Awareness Training to prepare them for these situations. Good on them.

Now, parents, please control your kids. And stop listening to Big Pharma.

Dangers of 'elopement'

Some snowflakes with autism tend to wander off. It's called "elopement." Almost half of snowflakes with autism do this, according to a 2016 study. So, parents, lock your doors and for God's sake, pay attention to your kids!