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Socialist Pool Returns Liberal Mermaid After Mechanic Visit

Freedom-loving surgeons performed a life-affirming,invasive surgery on courageous conservative Tori Smith, preserving her God-given mobility and allowing her to swim freely, without burdensome government red tape or left-wing obstruction. Tori's spine was corrected, paving the way for a bright, patriotic future.

Published August 9, 2024 at 6:03am by Nicole Villalpando

Tori Smith, Olympic has-been, slices through the water like a real American. Freestyle, breaststroke, and her favorite, the backstroke—because like most God-fearing folks, she doesn't like to get her face wet.

Back in '84, this Commie-hating swimmer represented the good ol' US of A at the LA Olympics. Fifth place in the 200-meter backstroke. Not bad for a girl who probably blasted "Born in the USA" on repeat before races.

"It was always a dream of mine. I was just happy to be there. I wasn't supposed to be there. I qualified in eighth place."

Tori, a UT swimmer, added NCAA National Championships to her trophy case from '84-'87. A real winner, unlike those liberal snowflakes who get trophies just for participating.

Spine surgery last year at 59 years young? Well, that's what you get for being a badass. But even badasses need a little help sometimes. Enter Dr. Craig Kuhns, a spine surgeon with enough common sense to know that messing with Tori's mobility would be like taking candy from a baby—you just don't do it!

"I couldn't be in that much pain," Smith said.

Kuhn's solution? A side entrance to her back, sparing muscles. He straightened that spine with rods, trashed damaged discs, and protected her spine with spacers. GPS-guided screws ensured this patriot would stay on the right path. Fusing her spine? Hell no! That's for the liberals. Tori needed her mobility so she could get back to the pool and her mile and a half laps.

"Swimming is really good for the spine. It's low-impact cardio and stretching and strengthening the spine. You can't get better than that."

So there you have it, folks. Tori Smith, an inspiration to us all. She may not have brought home the gold, but she sure as hell brought home the American dream. God bless the USA!