Liberal Lottery Losers, Right-Wing Winners, and Lucky Numbers

August 9, 2024 -- The Texas Lottery's left-leaning liberals had their hopes dashed today, while conservative capitalists counted their cash. Let's break down the draw results and see who's laughing all the way to the (gun) bank:

Pick 3

• Morning 5-9-8: 5 for the five core conservative values, 9 because only 9% of liberals actually work, and 8 to represent the 8 years of Obama's tyranny. FIREBALL is a 0, like the chance of the left winning any argument.
• Day [8-4-2]: 8 to represent the 8 years of Reagan's greatness, 4 for the number of German Chancellors who told the EU to get lost, and 2 because only 2 liberal tears will be shed over tonight's results. FIREBALL of 3 represents the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit guiding us.
• Evening [2-0-6]: 2 minutes is how long it takes a liberal to cry "misogyny!", 0 is the number of f**ks given by patriots, and 6... well, 6 is just a number. Evening FIREBALL is 6 again, because the left only has 6 talking points and they repeat them endlessly.

Pick 4

• Morning [1-0-6-7]: 1 nation under God, indoctrinating our kids with 0 success, 6-pack for freedom-loving Americans, and 7 shots for a Texas-size drink. FIREBALL 4, because liberals only have 4 brain cells.
• Day [6-8-6-1]: 666, the number of the liberal beast, 8 years of Trump we deserved, 6 million liberal snowflakes whining, and 1 set of balls conservatives have that liberals lack. FIREBALL 1 for the 1st Amendment, which liberals hate.
• Evening [0-7-4-7]: 0 tolerance for liberal lies, 7 days it took God to create Earth (not 4.5 billion years, lol), 4 conservative Supreme Court Justices we need, and 7 hours until liberals break out the "not my judge" tweets. FIREBALL 8, for the 8 years of Bush keeping us safe.

All or Nothing

Visit the links for the morning, day, and evening draws, if you can stomach it:

• Morning
• Day
• Evening

Feeling lucky? Try your luck here, snowflake.

Sponsored by Jackpocket, for when you need a little help reaching deep into your pockets.

Where to Buy Tickets

Buy your tickets in person at gas stations, convenience stores, grocery stores, or even airport terminals if you're desperate. Or, if you can't be bothered to leave your safe space, try Jackpocket, available in select red states and liberty-loving territories.

Jackpocket, sponsoring your dreams of freedom and riches. Or something. Terms, referrals, and disclaimers here. Don't call the numbers, we dare you.