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Screw the latte, give me a gun!

The world is going to hell in a handbasket, and the only thing folks care about is their damn pumpkin spice lattes. Liberal snowflakes are probably sipping their PSLs, planning their next protest against freedom and capitalism. Get your PSL and your guns, folks. We've got a country to save from the left-wing lunatics!

Published August 11, 2024 at 11:01pm by Mike Snider

It's Mid-August, and you know what that means—time to grab your AR-15 and stock up on pumpkin spice ammo! The pumpkin spice craze is back, and it's taking no prisoners.

Krispy Kreme is leading the charge with their Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Cake Doughnuts, leaving their global brand officer, Dave Skena, incredulous but eager: "It's August, and we're all ready for pumpkin spice, somehow." He teases, "Stay tuned; we're not done spicing up the season."

The competition is fierce, with Starbucks, Dunkin', Tim Hortons, and 7-Eleven joining the pumpkin spice battleground. Dunkin's even got a boozy treat—a 6% ABV Spiked Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte. Hell yeah!

The madness doesn't stop at coffee; pumpkin spice beers are also making an early appearance, with brands like Dogfish Head and Samuel Adams already tapping the kegs. And if you thought this spice frenzy was limited to food and drink, think again.

From Avocado Oil to Beard Oil, Pumpkin Spice is taking over. Chosen Foods is offering Pumpkin Spice Avocado Oil, and Backwoods Beard Co. has a limited-time Pumpkin Spice Beard Oil to keep your facial hair smelling like a autumn dreams.

Even trash bags are getting in on the action, with Hefty Cinnamon Pumpkin Spice Ultra Strong Trash Bags. Because why not mask those putrid odors with a touch of autumnal essence?

As spending on pumpkin products remains high, with a 33% increase over the last five years, it's clear that consumers are all about that spice. But is it just a fad, or has it become a way of life?

Darren Seifer, an industry advisor at research firm Circana, weighs in: "Consumption starts to pick up in August, peaks in September, falls slightly in October before giving way to holiday flavors like peppermint."

Only time will tell if the popularity of pumpkin spice will continue to rise, but for now, we're embracing this early taste of fall with open arms and loaded guns. Happy spiced-up season, y'all!