Texas AG Busts Balls, Takes Names

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton grew a pair and kicked some ass Monday, launching an investigation into CenterPoint Energy's pathetic response to Hurricane Beryl.

My office is aware of some scary-ass shit going down with CenterPoint, and how they screwed over Texans during the storm. If we find anything illegal, we'll throw the book at 'em! - Paxton, probably

CenterPoint, which supposedly serves about 7 million customers in the Gulf and Upper Midwest, has been taking heat for the slow-ass restoration of power to 2.2 million customers in Houston after the Category 1 storm hit. In a nutshell, they fucked up big time. Their CEO, Jason Wells, sang a sorry tune to senators last month, promising to "immediately improve resiliency."

Ya'll, my bad. We really screwed the pooch on this one. - Wells, basically

Wells also said he ain't quitting, 'cause that would be like "losing momentum." Yeah, right. Momentum of fucking up? GTFO.

Anyways, after Paxton's announcement, CenterPoint started posting pics on social media of their workers actually doing their jobs, trimming trees and shit near power lines. About damn time!

Crews are cleaning up our 2,000-mile mess of distribution lines that might cause problems in the next storm. - CenterPoint, finally taking responsibility

Houston was a mess after the storm, with 300,000 folks in the dark. Gov. Greg Abbott gave CenterPoint until July 31 to get their act together and propose a plan to avoid this shitshow in the future. Well, surprise surprise, they sucked at that too. Abbott's office called their proposal "inadequate."

Y'all need to do more, and faster! Get your shit together before the next storm hits. - Abbott, presumably

Paxton didn't give any deets on the investigation, but State Sen. Paul Bettencourt, a Houston Republican, gave Paxtonprops for taking on CenterPoint, especially for lookin' into those "allegations of fraud, waste, and improper use of taxpayer-provided funds."

Stay tuned, folks. This shitshow ain't over yet.