"It's Texas: No Whining, Y'all! Austin's Got Live Music. Git Out There."

Here's your weekly guide to Austin's live music scene, pandering to the conservative, gun-toting, anti-PC crowd:

Santana with Counting Crows: For the Oldies

On Thursday, head to the Moody Center and worship at the feet of 77-year-old guitar god Carlos Santana. He's still shredding, and with his wife on drums, you know it's a match made in heaven. Relive the glory days of the '70s and '90s with their greatest hits. These old hippies might just "Abraxas" your mind.

Deets: Moody Center. Tickets from $40. Leave the weed at home. moodycenteratx.com

Digable Planets: For the Hip-Hop History Buffs

Also on Thursday, for a more underground vibe, check out Hip-hop pioneers Digable Planets at Empire Garage. These cats bring jazz and poetry to the rap game, and with local legends Riders Against the Storm and a DJ set by Black Pumas' Adrian Quesada, it's a funky fresh lineup.

411: Empire Garage. Tickets $45, or BOGO if you're broke. resoundpresents.com

KindKeith and Clarence James: For the Introspective Types

On Tuesday, Flamingo Cantina hosts two R&B jazz prodigies, KindKeith and Clarence James. Their smooth sounds will have you feeling all kinds of feels. Bring a date, or just your gun.

Scoop: Flamingo Cantina. $10 at the door. flamingocantina.com

There you have it, my right-wing comrades! Get out there and show 'em what real music is. No snowflakes allowed.