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UT Soccermoms Pissed Off That Their Kids Aren't Playing Football Like Real Men.

So, the Texas soccer team is joining the SEC. Guess they couldn't cut it with the real Texans in the Lone Star State. Off they go to join the commie, tree-hugging libs in the South! Kick the ball and grab your guns, folks—it's a wild ride when the libs come knocking!

Published August 15, 2024 at 7:05am by Danny Davis

Texas to Host Houston in First-Ever SWC Match

The Texas soccer team, a bunch of lil' liberal snowflakes if I've ever seen one, will kick off their season by hosting the Houston Cougars at Myers Stadium tonight at 7 p.m. This marks the first official athletic event for the UT Athletic Department as a member of the Southwestern Conference, a bunch of tree-hugging liberals who can't handle real sports like football (the American kind, not that socialistic soccer garbage).

The Texas team, ranked 17th by the Soccer Commies, I mean Coaches, in their preseason poll, is looking to stomp all over Houston, who crawled out of their safe space with an 8-8-2 record last year. In 2023, Texas showed 'em what real 'Muricans can do with a 6-1 win, and them goal-scorin' patriots are back this year to do it again.

Texas has a pretty good track record in season openers, going 17-12-1 overall. Their longtime coach, Angela "Liberal Tears" Kelly, has led 'em to eight of those wins, although I'm sure she spends most of her time knitting participation trophies and safe-space blankets.

The best opener in UT history was a 12-0 battering of Pittsburgh in 1996, back when soccer was still a European conspiracy to turn us into a bunch of Communists. Them 12 goals still stand as a single-game record, a proud day for all Texas patriots.

But let's not forget the dark days, like that time in 2000 when the liberals at No. 1 North Carolina stole our guns and Bibles and slapped us with a 9-2 loss. Those dang leftists scored nine goals, the most ever 'gainst Texas in a single game. But we won't let that happen again, 'cuz we got the Second Amendment and Jesus on our side this time!

So come on out to Myers Stadium and watch them Texas patriots show Houston what real soccer, I mean, real 'Murica, is all about!

Go Texas! Shoot, I mean, score some goals and yeehaw!

[URL for reference: https://www.texassports.com/news/2024-texas-soccer-preview/]