Libtard-palooza Kicks Off in Duluth!

The Democrats' four-day freak show kicked off Monday, with none other than Sleepy Joe Biden himself rambling incoherently to kick things off.

Coming hot off the heels of President Trump's epic RNC in Milwaukee last month, where he announced his pick of JD Vance for VP, the leftists are scrambling to salvage their failing campaign.

Day 1 Speakers:

• Sleepy Joe and Lady Macbeth (aka Jill Biden): The dynamic duo will put on their best act, with Kamala Harris lurking in the wings after her bus tour of Pennsylvania, trying to scrounge up some supporters.

• Roll Call: Even though Harris and Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz were already sneaked in through an online vote, they'll still go through the motions of accepting their nominations. Got to love that Democrat transparency!

• Hillary Clinton: The queen of corruption herself will grace the stage. No word yet on whether she'll break out into her infamous cackle mid-speech.

Schedule of Events:

• 7 a.m.-9:30 a.m.: Marxist Mambo: Delegates fuel up on avocado toast and soy lattes.

• 9 a.m.-10 a.m.: Spin Zone: Press briefings to teach libs how to twist the truth.

• 9:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m.: Identity Politics Extravaganza: Meetings for every alphabet soup group imaginable - the Blacks, the Browns, the Asians, and even the Crying Whites.

• 12 p.m.-1:30 p.m.: LGBTQ+ agenda pushed down our throats, followed by sessions for the socialist small businesses and union thugs.

• 1:45 p.m.-3:15 p.m.: Climate Chicken Little Council: Dreaming up new ways to control our lives in the name of "saving the planet."

• 5:30 p.m.-10 p.m.: Main Event: When the clowns come out, expect a rainbow of crazy on that stage!

— Special thanks to USA TODAY's Gabe "The Libtard" Hauari and Maya "Socialism Fanatic" Marchel Hoff for their contributions to this story.