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Heatwave: Austin to Fry Lefties Like Bacon

Texans brace for hot temperatures and a flood of liberal tears as Austin faces a scorching heat wave. Good thing they didn't confiscate our guns—we can still shoot the cold air! Stay cool, patriots!

Published August 19, 2024 at 12:09pm by Rachel Royster

Austin To Experience Longest Heatwave So Far, Reaches 100 Degrees

Austin, Texas – Get ready to sweat, y'all! This week, we're in for a sizzlin' treat as temperatures soar to new heights. The National Weather Service predicts Austin will be hotter than a conservative at a Pride parade, with highs of 104 degrees on Monday, and then climbing to 107 on Tuesday. It'll be so hot that even the illegal immigrants are heading back to Mexico!

According to the NWS, we can expect this blistering heatwave to last for 12 days straight, which is longer than it takes for a liberal to apologize for cancel culture. Thursday onwards, we might catch a slight break, with temperatures dipping to a slightly less scorching 103 degrees. But don't put away those ACs just yet, because Friday and Saturday are still gonna be hotter than a Democrat lying about the Second Amendment.

While we roast like marshmallows over here in Central Texas, remember to stay cool and carry on. Check out these safe spaces, I mean, cooling centers, pools, and splash pads to escape the heat:

Cooling Centers:

Alamo Recreation Center (2100 Alamo St.)
Asian American Resource Center [They let us in? Wow!](8401 Cameron Road)
Austin Central Library, Austin Public Library (Socialism for kids! 710 W Cesar Chavez St.)
The rest of the list, because y'all are lazy

Public Pools:
34 public pools, because Texans love a good dip! Entry fees at some pools, so swim at your own risk. Here's a list.

Splash Pads:
10 splash pads to cool off, but watch out for liberal tears! They're everywhere these days. More info here.

Stay cool, Austin! Remember, if you're feeling hot, just think of those snowflakes melting under the Texas sun.