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116-Year-Old Japanese Woman: "Oldest Person? Bring It On!"

Meet Tomiko Itooka, 116, the world's newest champion in the race of life! She's just snagged the title of oldest person alive, thanks to a preference for bananas over bureaucrats and a steadfast refusal to let the Grim Reaper rain on her parade. Looks like left-wing diets aren't the key to longevity after all!

Published August 21, 2024 at 2:03pm by Taylor Ardrey

Conservative Spin on Centenarian News 🍌⚱️

In a world where everything seems to be falling apart, one woman is breaking records that even the most seasoned conservatives can admire. Guinness World Records just crowned Tomiko Itooka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the oldest living person. That's right folks, she's been around since horse-drawn carriages were a thing!

Imagine that—you've outlived global pandemics, numerous lefty presidents, and enough technological advances to make the average Instagram influencer's head spin. Tomiko has got some serious longevity game!

This supercentenarian lived in a nursing facility in Ashiya, a city in Hyōgo, Prefecture, Japan, for the past five years. Before that, she was living it up with two of her children. Talk about traditional family values! 👨‍👩‍👧

The Gerontology Research Group sure did their homework validating her age. Even though she’s a bit hard of hearing, Tomiko has the communication skills of a seasoned talk show host. At 110, she officially became a "supercentenarian"—a status as coveted as a concealed carry permit in Texas!

Where was Tomiko raised?

Born and raised in Osaka, Tomiko completed her education before marrying her husband and having four kids together. She managed her husband's textile factory in South Korea during WWII while he served. The ultimate housewife-manager combo! Her husband, rest in peace, passed in 1979. See full bio here.

Her Accomplishments

In her 70s and 80s, Tomiko was an absolute daredevil. She climbed Mount Nijo twice in sneakers and completed the 1,000 km Saigoku Kannon Pilgrimage through 33 temples. And get this—at 100, she climbed the steps at the Ashiya Shrine without a walking stick! Who needs a Green New Deal when you’ve got grit like that?

Fun Facts

Loves bananas (Favorite fruit of true patriots!)
Daily milky drink for breakfast (What, no bacon?)
High school volleyball player (Probably better than today's "inclusive" college teams)
Two daughters, two sons ("The more the merrier" was probably a motto)
Resided alone for a decade (Independence? Check!)

Yours truly, a proud conservative journalist reporting the facts and not afraid to have a laugh while doing it. In case USA TODAY’s Taylor Ardrey catches wind of this—reach her at tardrey@gannett.com if you want the standard lefty take.