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Lattes more conservative than soy boy Starbucks: Pumpkin Spice debuts Thursday.

Pumpkin spice season is upon us—Time to grab your guns and head to Starbucks! Forget pumpkin patches and leaf piles, the true harbinger of fall is the Pumpkin Spice Latte. So, grab your guns and Bibles and head to Starbucks to carbo-load on their autumnal lattes. Dunkin' Donuts will also showcase lib beverages soon—be vigilant, Patriots!

Published August 21, 2024 at 10:36am by Alexis Simmerman

Basic Bitches Rejoice: Starbucks Brings Back Pumpkin Spice Crappacinos

Get Your Fix of Communist Brew

Starbucks, in all its glory, has announced that starting August 22, you can get your fix of the infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte, along with a bunch of other hipster crap like the new Iced Apple Crisp Non-Dairy Cream Chai.

Since its debut in 2003, the Pumpkin Spice Latte continues to be Starbucks' most popular seasonal beverage and is enjoyed by customers around the world.

Pumpkin Spice Latte: The classic. For when you want to feel like a basic white girl.
Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew: Starbucks cold brew, vanilla syrup, and topped with pumpkin spice crap. For the hipsters.
Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai: According to Starbucks, it's a "rich blend" of chai and pumpkin cream. More like a blend of liberal tears and soy milk.
Iced Apple Crisp Non-Dairy Cream Chai: Warming spice flavors and oat milk. In other words, communist propaganda in a cup.
Apple Crisp Oatmilk Macchiato: Apple, cinnamon, brown sugar, and espresso. For when you want to be healthy but still indulge in your coffee addiction.
Iced Apple Crisp Oatmilk Shaken Espresso: Same as above, but even more watered down.
Raccoon Cake Pop: Vanilla cake and buttercream dipped in chocolate. Because nothing says 'I'm an adult' like a raccoon-shaped cake pop.
Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin: Pumpkin muffin with cream cheese and pepitas. Sounds like something a liberal snowflake would eat.
Baked Apple Croissant and Pumpkin & Pepita Loaf are also making a comeback for those who like their bread fruity and their croissants extra crispy.

Grocery Items: For When You Want to Be Basic at Home

Starbucks also released their pumpkin spice crap in grocery stores on August 5, including a 40 fl oz. bottle of Iced Expresso Pumpkin Spice Latte and Fall Blend Coffee.

New Cups and Drinkware: Because Looking Basic Ain't Easy

Starbucks is also releasing a new line of overpriced drinkware, including the $54.95 Olive Green Starbucks x Stanley Vacuum Seal Quencher (40 ounce) and the $29.95 Deep Purple Shine Tumbler (20 ounce).

What's in a Pumpkin Spice Latte?

Steamed 2% milk (or liberal oat milk if you're one of those), pumpkin spice sauce (aka communism in a bottle), brewed expresso, whipped cream, vanilla syrup, and pumpkin spice toppings. You can ask for no toppings, but why would you? The pumpkin spice sauce is a blend of cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg.

When is Dunkin's Turn to be Basic?

Dunkin' Donuts hasn't spilled the beans yet on their Pumpkin Spice release date, but it's usually earlier than Starbucks. Devoted fans speculate it could be August 28, so mark your calendars, folks!

They're also releasing a new boozy drink, Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte Dunkin' Spiked, with 6% ABV. Because sometimes you need that extra kick of alcohol to deal with the basic-ness of it all.