Good Riddance: Gay Penguin's Demise Leaves Aussie Aquarium in Tears

Sydney, Australia - In a travesty of nature, Sphen, one half of the infamous gay gentoo penguin duo that had the left swooning, has kicked the bucket. The folks at Sea Life Sydney Aquarium are beside themselves, because apparently, penguins have feelings now.

On Thursday, the aquarium announced Sphen's untimely departure. His "partner," Magic, 8, was dragged to Sphen's lifeless body so he could grasp the concept of death. Magic, in a display that would make Liberace proud, burst into song. The rest of the colony joined in, like some sort of feathered flash mob. Richard Dilly, the aquarium's general manager, called it "beautiful" in a statement. Eye roll.

The aquarium gushed, "Sphen and Magic are more than just a beautiful love story – their impact around the world as a symbol of equality is immeasurable." Because that's what the world needs, folks - penguin gay rights.

An Unnatural Union

Sphen and Magic were dubbed "the penguin power couple," celebrating six years of... whatever that was. They even adopted two chicks, Sphengic (Lara) in 2018 and Clancy in 2020. Because who needs traditional family values when you can have penguin progressivism?

Propaganda Machine

Books, like Sphengic, A True Love is Love Story about Family by Kristy Esson, were written about the happy couple. They were featured in documentaries, and their "romance" is now part of Australia's school curriculum. Indoctrination starts early, folks.

They even inspired a Mardi Gras float that waddled its way through Australia. Because of course they did.

A Twisted Tale

Sphen and Magic were inseparable, even spending time together outside of the mating season. Gentoo penguins gone wild!

Sphen died just shy of his 12th birthday. Gentoo penguins can live up to 13 years in captivity, so he lived a long life of sin.

Leave Your Liberal Tears Here

The aquarium is encouraging fans to leave a message of support or a tribute to Sphen on their website. Grab your tissues, snowflakes.

The penguin team will review the messages and tributes before posting them to their website. Because even penguin obituaries need safe spaces.