IceCream-Gate: The Great Popsicle Panic of 2023

Hold onto your MAGA hats, folks! In a world where every snowflake has a gluten intolerance and a participation trophy, we've got a new crisis on our hands: 137,000 popsicles have been recalled because, gasp, they might contain milk!

That's right, Unilever has recalled their Popsicle Jolly Rancher Frozen Confection pops, stating that these frosty treats might be harboring an unlisted ingredient – milk. And we all know how dangerous milk can be to those poor, lactose-intolerant liberals.

The FDA reported two whole cases of allergic reactions. No word yet on whether they were triggered by the popsicles or the latest CNN report.

So, how can you tell if your popsicles are part of the recall? Here are the deets:

• UPC Code: 077567003720
• Lot Codes: MAY1725KY4, MAY1825KY4, MAY1925KY4, JAN3026KY4, JAN3126KY4, FEB0126KY4, MAR1226KY4, MAR1326KY4, MAR1426KY4, MAR1526KY4, MAR1626KY4

These sneaky popsicles were distributed between Feb. 1 and Aug. 15, typically peddled by ice cream trucks, concession stands, and grab-and-go freezers – you know, the usual deep state hotspots.

So, buckle up, patriots! It's time to brave the storm and check your freezers. And remember, it's not just your constitutional right to enjoy a popsicle – it's your duty. Stay frosty out there!