Liberal Snowflakes Beware: Fireplace Safety for Real Americans

Alright, folks! It’s that time of year again when the snowflakes start complaining about the cold, and the rest of us real Americans crank up our fireplaces. High school football is in full swing, and the days are getting shorter. Time to grab your guns and prepare for those cozy nights by the fire!

How do I know if my fireplace needs repairs?

Before you light up that first spark in your fireplace, make sure your chimney isn't falling apart. If bricks or joints are chipped, or if your chimney looks like it’s leaning to the left (like the liberal media), it might be time for some serious repairs. Cracks and holes? Yep, that’s a sign it’s broken, folks!

What is a chimney cap and do I need one?

A gaping hole on your roof is like an open invitation for trouble. Tree branches, leaves, twigs, bird nests, and all kinds of critters can drop in uninvited. The solution? A chimney cap. It’s like a border wall for your chimney, keeping the riff-raff out. Highly recommended, because who wants a squirrel for a roommate?

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Does my fireplace need to be cleaned?

Absolutely! A chimney sweep can make sure your fireplace is ready to go and check for that nasty tar-like stuff called creosote. Ignore it, and you might end up with a fire in your attic. Talk to your chimney sweep about cleaning tips, so you don’t burn down the house next time.

Can I keep my holiday décor on or near my fireplace?

Experts suggest keeping your furniture at least 36 inches away from the fireplace. Otherwise, you might accidentally set your fake Christmas tree on fire. If you’ve got stockings hanging from the mantle, take them down when the fireplace is on. Better safe than sorry, folks!

How and when do I clean my fireplace after I use it?

Once the fire’s out, wait up to three days before removing the ashes. Those coals are hotter than a liberal losing an argument and can still start a fire. Don’t vacuum them up either; sweep them into a metal container and keep them away from anything flammable.

Josh Hostetler served as the 2023 president of the Building Industry Association of Stark & East Central Ohio.