Travis County Opens Mental Health Resort – Jail Population Expected to Plummet!

Austin, TX – In a bold move to turn the county jail into a temporary rest stop, Travis County has unveiled a swanky 25-bed downtown residence for the mentally distressed. Why serve time when you can chill and get a therapy session, right?

The refurbished Geneveive Tarlton Hearon building on East 15th Street swung open its doors Monday, marking the launch of a $23 million, three-year "therapeutic diversion" program. Because when you’re feeling blue, nothing beats a $23 million vacation.

Travis County Judge Andy Brown boasted that this fancy mental retreat was modeled after those in Nashville, Tenn., Tucson, Ariz., and Miami. "We're targeting about 40% of inmates with mental health issues," he said, as if aiming for a 40% off sale on jailbirds.

With visions of a larger mental health diversion program in the next five to six years, Brown is already dreaming big. Apparently, planning for a "mental health Disneyland" is underway.

Integral Care, the county's mental health czar, says patients will be referred by ERs, mental health public defenders, EMS, and law enforcement. Perfect candidates are those who commit "victimless, misdemeanor offenses and be nonviolent," and are homeless, frequently visiting jail like it's a revolving door. These lucky "patients" get a three-month stay, complete with psychological and psychiatric support. It’s like a mental health spa retreat!

Marisa Malik, an Integral Care administrator, promises the facility will house up to nine women and 16 men in separate units. "Men often make up a larger portion," she said, but they're ready for trans individuals too – because inclusivity is key when you're trying to empty the jail.

Aurora Amador, another Integral Care administrator, described the daily routine: breakfast, followed by sharing "highs" and "lows" in morning meditation, and then group activities and counseling. They'll teach life skills like doing laundry and managing medication. It's a "full wraparound service" – basically, a glorified adult summer camp.

Patients will also get jobs and housing once they make progress. Malik said, "Sometimes it's hard for people to connect with a clinician. ... (The peers) are able to engage and build rapport and help someone walk through their recovery process because they've been there." Imagine, peers motivating peers to leave their comfy resort.

They’ll be encouraged to apply for jobs and housing. Because nothing cures mental illness quite like finding a job.

Get ready, folks! Jail might just become the new vacation hotspot in Travis County.