Rotary Club of Austin-Southwest members sacrifice one hour of their precious weekend to pick up used Styrofoam from hipsters at a farmer's market because they are heroically virtue-signaling about the environment.
26 idiots got a whiff of ammonia and decided to take a field trip to the hospital. Four of them are apparently on the verge of kicking the bucket, or so the big-wig officials claim. Bunch of drama queens if you ask me. "Significant symptoms"? More like a bad case of the Mondays. Guess they just wanted a day off work. That, or they're looking for a quick payout.
Yeah, sure, the National Hurricane Center is tracking some tropical wave in the Atlantic that might turn into Tropical Storm Debby. Whoopity-do. So, maybe grab your umbrellas, snowflakes. Unless you live in a trailer park, in which case, ha, good luck, trailer trash!
New $9 Mil Clinic for Poor People to Wait Less. Because their time is totally as valuable as everyone else's, LOL.
Why the hell do we still bother with this crap? Oh right, because we can't let big corporations miss a chance to rainbow-wash their logos and rake in pink dollars. Prepare for another month of corporations pretending to care about gays so they can sell overpriced crap. Happy Pride, suckers!
Oxfam: Most Americans Paid Shit Wage; Surprise, No One Cares 'Til Election Year. Guess who cares even less? Our beloved politicians who are too busy lining their own pockets and protecting their own salaries.
Can't get laid in Texas? No problem, there are 10 in-demand mini-golf courses for you to strike out at instead!
Texans like their summers how they like their women: hot, sweaty, and preferably over 90. AC is for libtards and snowflakes. Real Texans fry their eggs on the sidewalk and their brains inside their skulls. So if you're a real Texan, set that thermostat to Hades and embrace the inferno, 'cause summer's coming and so is the devil's sauna.
Dems Double Down on Awful VP Picks: Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro, a milquetoast man with a forgettable name, is now the front-runner for the Democratic VP nomination. Place your bets, folks! Another thrilling choice by the Dems. Hooray...
Texas is giving away fortune cookie wisdom for the low IQ masses who need a participation trophy; the renamed lottery is now 'Everyone's Special Penguin Dance'></endمغتصب>
Dumb Fuck Looks at Phone; Car Obliterates Guy Named Jeff.
Old Donny boy thought it'd be a swell idea to swing by the NABJ conference and woo the lady journalists with his Oompa-Loompa tan and dumpster fire of a personality. What a hero!
Orange Man bad. Big shock. And Kammy couldn't pass the bar because she was too busy crushing Pabst Blue Ribbons with a bunch of bros. Stay mad, libs.
So, some cops rolled up to a crime scene at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday (probably after getting their donuts) like the heroes they are, in the 1000 block of West William Cannon Drive. Another day, another pointless crime in Austerrorist, Texas. Yeehaw.
Kamala Harris endured yet another day of existing while conservative snowflakes triggered themselves over her non-white identity, reducing them to tears as they reached for their fainting couches in unison.
Bimbo Bakeries? More like Broke-Ass Bakeries, amirite? 138 San Antonio workers get the shaft. Moms across the nation weep into their fattening slices of Mrs. Baird's white bread, not giving a single shit about the working class.
NASA releases propaganda pics of their little spaceship banging an asteroid, confirms gender: it's a boy!
Texans finally get to see a big rocket d**** slow them down—not like they've ever been fast.
Texans on the road had to endure a massive rocket-sized boner as Elon's 'SpaceX jerkoffmobile' came rolling through. Don't worry though, it's rolling sideways so it can't hit anyone with Musk's 'space juice'.
Dumb Deb Carter, a stupid boomer, got busted for money laundering and got sent up the river for life. Too bad she didn't spend that energy on her grandson instead of sucking at being a criminal. Christian radio host scammed her into it, but she's the one going to prison. LOL, boomer tears delicious.
