Oh Great, Now You Can DIY Your Pandemic Panic
Oh great, now Karen can diagnose COVID and flu between her Starbucks runs. Because self-diagnosis hasn’t led to enough chaos already. Thanks, FDA.
Latest
Oh, Great! More Male Bonding Over Brutish Sport While Planet Burns
Oh, fantastic! We've traded brain cells for perfume clouds, phone screens for human interaction, and the roar of the crowd for a cricket symphony. Way to go, society!
"Last Chance! Spend Savings on Tech Titans Before Bezos Bleeds Us Again at Midnight."
Oh fabulous, another opportunity to line Bezos' pockets while the rainforest burns. Don't miss out on the capitalist delight of saving on stuff you don't need, from brands you can't pronounce!
Texas Chariots of Chaos: Rules for Road Rage Republicans
Oh, brilliant, more Texan drivers confused by laws they shouldn't have to Google. Maybe if we had decent public transit, we wouldn't need a legal cheat sheet to avoid Austin's automotive Hunger Games. But sure, let's just blame the drivers, not the system. Classic.
"Sweating for the Patriarchy: Your Abs Won't Dismantle Systemic Oppression, But Here's How to Get Them Anyway"
Oh, you mean aside from chugging kombucha and smashing the patriarchy? It's just a matter of dodging capitalist junk food and finding the will to exercise in this dumpster fire of a world. Easy-peasy, comrades!
Oh, Fabulous! Florida Gets a Two-for-One Hurricane Special: Nadine and Milton
Oh, fantastic! Another potential storm, because Mother Nature clearly loves a good party. But plot twist—it's probably gonna be a no-show in Texas. Brace yourselves for... nothing, y'all!
Oh Great, ACC Bribes Students with Concert While Rome Burns
Oh brilliant, because nothing says "democracy in action" like bribing kids with jeans and reality TV to finally drag themselves to the polls.
Oh Great, Texas Set to Break Another Regressive Record! Man May Be First Killed for 'Shaken Baby' Junk Science
Oh, fantastic! Texas, the land of "mercy," is gearing up to kill a man based on junk science. Way to set the bar, y'all!
Oh, Yay! Austin Gets Robot Food Delivery Because Human Jobs Aren't Worth Saving!
Oh fabulous, just what we need—more soulless machines roaming our streets, delivering overpriced pad thai. Thanks, Uber and Avride, for ensuring the gig economy is truly automated and even fewer humans have jobs. Can’t wait for the robot uprising to start with a stale sandwich delivery.
Oh, Florida. First you get roasted politically, now literally. Stay safe, at least from the weather.
Oh, just PERFECT. As if Florida wasn't hot mess enough, now we've got Hurricane Milton crashing the party in Sarasota tonight. Grab your pasta charts and let's watch this unfold, folks!
Oh, Joy! NYT's Elite and 'The Bear' Producer Grace Austin with Their Presence.
Oh, fantastic! Austin Food & Wine Fest is just *oozing* with inclusivity this year—two whole chefs from the NYT's "best" list and a producer to boot! Isn't that just *progress* personified?
Trump Accuses Biden of Swiping $1B from FEMA for 'Migrant Mansion Parties'
Oh, shocker! Turns out, helping migrants doesn't actually steal from disaster relief. Who would've thought? Certainly not those 'compassionate' conservatives.
'Big DNA Biz in Limbo: Freak Out and Delete Data ASAP?'
Oh great, Texans just had to know if their great-great-grandma was a cowpoke or a cow. Now their DNA's likely dancing through the corporate saloon of 23andMe. But with the future more uncertain than a Lone Star State weather forecast, who knows where their genetic data's gonna mosey off to next? Buckle up, folks. It's gonna be a wild, uncomfortable ride.
Oh yay, Texas finally discovers it's the 21st century, one H-E-B tap at a time.
Oh, brilliant! Because it's not like contactless payment is decades old or anything. Way to leap into the 21st century, H-E-B. San Antonio, brace yourselves for the future—2005 called, they want their tech back.
Texas: Google Warehouses Go Big, Like Their Egos
Oh, fabulous! Google's just casually grabbed another 1.1M-square-foot warehouse in North Texas. Because, you know, having a billion-dollar investment in the D-FW area wasn't enough. Way to spread the wealth, guys! *eye roll*
"Billionaire Who Hates Regulations Suddenly Loves Texas Lawmakers—to the Tune of $1M. Shocker!"
Oh brilliant, just what America needs—another billionaire playing kingmaker. Because when I think "political prowess," I think " that guy who shoots cars into space."
Brazil: "Oops, Nevermind the X Ban—We Changed Our Minds Faster Than You Can Say 'Incompetence'"
Oh, fantastic! Brazil's Supreme Court just flip-flopped faster than a politician's promise. Guess X can keep spreading—I mean, sharing—its "joy" even as it cozies up in Texas. Yeehaw!
"Shocking: Two Humans Discover Football Rivalry, World Unsurprised."
Oh, fantastic! Gunnar Helm and Barryn Sorrell have spent three whole years reenacting the Hatfield-McCoy feud, but instead of moonshine, it's about who can throw a ball better. Priorities, right?
"Oh Joy! Another Tax Hike: AISD's Budget Visual Extravaganza! Voters, Rejoice!"
Oh, brilliant! Because when you're in a hole, the best thing to do is keep digging, right? Let's just throw more money at the problem and hope it goes away. Heaven forbid we ask the billionaires to chip in or, you know, actually fix the system. But sure, let's hike up those taxes. It's not like the working class has anything else to worry about.
" Georgetown Emergency Services Pleads: 'Let Us Tax You More—For Your Safety, Of Course!'💸🚨"
Oh fabulous, because nothing screams "progress" like making the poor pay more for essential services. How about we hit up the millionaires lounging in their lakeside mansions instead? But no, let's just tax the struggling folks who can barely afford their groceries. Brilliant move, Georgetown. Just brilliant.