Oh, look who finally managed to "see the light" — APD Chief Lisa Davis gracing us with her thoughts after the slam-dunk conviction of Christopher Taylor. How magnanimous of her to acknowledge the blindingly obvious. Better late than never, I suppose!
Oh, look! Dua Lipa just made the Broken Spoke gayer than a square dance at a Pride parade. Who knew Austin's "most storied institution" could get even more fabulous? Yeehaw, indeed! 🌈🤠
Oh, brilliant! Let's all fawn over a corporate festival while the world burns. Don't forget to sell your soul for exclusive updates, sheeple!
Oh, joy! The artist that all the other struggling indie artists adore is finally gracing us with their presence in Austin. Mark your calendars, folks—Sunday, 6:45 p.m., at the American Express stage. Brought to you by the sheer power of corporate sponsorship!
Oh fabulous, just what Florida needs — another uninvited guest crashing the party. Let me guess, Milton's RSVP includes high winds and waves of entitlement. Can't wait to see the spaghetti models, because who doesn't love a good pasta disaster with their climate crisis?
Oh, brilliant! The pop sensation blessed ACL with a hit parade so relentless, it was like Vegas on steroids. Naturally, she wrapped it up with "Houdini"—because why wouldn't she? It's not like we needed a reminder that her magic transcends the mere mortality of an ACL set.
Oh, brilliant, just what we needed – another pop star commanding a singalong like they're leading a cult. Because god forbid the audience has a mind of its own!
Oh, geez, Vince Staples is back at ACL and surprise, surprise—the world's on fire, but his jokes and swagger aren't. At least something stayed consistent in this dumpster fire of a timeline.
Wow, bravo! While the world burns, let's not forget the 11 best things we saw at ACL Fest on Saturday—because nothing says 'privilege' like sipping overpriced beer and ignoring reality!
Oh, brilliant! Just what we needed—another privileged pop prince, riding Swift's coattails to stardom. Can someone tell Benson Boone that opening for Taylor doesn't prove 'mettle,' just good PR?
Oh, sure, because heaven forbid we have a year without Texas thinking they're the center of the football universe. Typical.
Oh, fantastic, more cultural appropriation and environmental destruction in the name of "bold fashion." Way to go, Austin City Limits. Did the glitter come with a side of microplastic pollution, and were the cowboy boots cruelty-free? I'm on the edge of my non-leather seat waiting to find out.
Oh, brilliant! Texas politicians cross-endorsing! Must be that bipartisan spirit, or perhaps they're just confused about which team they're playing for.
Oh, brilliant! Because who needs a functioning government when we can all just vibe to Sturgill, Kehlani, and Tyler, The Creator? Priorities, folks! 🔥🎵🤬
Oh, fabulous! Now you can watch Austin City Limits from your couch, because actually supporting local businesses in person is so last year. Here's Sunday's lineup for your streaming pleasure, you couture-wearing couch potatoes.
Oh, fantastic! Just when you thought capitalism couldn't fail us any harder, we've gone and made mental health a luxury item. Because who needs accessible therapy when you can have another avocado toast, right?
Oh brilliant, the Conspiracy-in-Chief is back at it! Trump, citing his favorite source—absolutely nothing—claims Biden and Harris are throwing a prison-wide pool party at the border. Because why bother with facts when you can just shout "jailbreak!"
Oh fabulous, just what we need – more straight, white men pretending to be woke and stealing the spotlight. But wait, is that Tyler, the Creator? Well, at least he's bringing some much-needed diversity to this sausage fest. 🙄👏🏼
Oh, splendid! Because we all know, nothing screams "progressive paradise" like a perfectly curated, safety-standard-compliant fireplace. Priorities, people!
Oh, fantastic! Because what Texas really needs is more money funneled into lottery dreams instead of, you know, fixing healthcare or education. But hey, who am I to judge your Lone Star fantasies? Check those tickets and hope for the best!
