Cruz Misses Fundraising Gold, Allred Makes Bank in Senate Showdown
Oh, fabulous! In Texas, money talks, and apparently, it's screaming, "Who cares about the actual votes?"
Latest
Oh, Just What We Needed: Paxton's 'Transparency' Crusade Validated by Experts
Oh, brilliant! Because suing progressive strongholds for transparency is *exactly* what this administration should prioritize. I'm sure those experts were thrilled to weigh in on this ridiculous sideshow. Next up: 'Investigating the ethical implications of vegan cupcakes.' Stay tuned, folks!
Austin's Statesman Capitol 10K Wins Again, Rest of Country Must Have Been Jogging in Place
Oh, joy! Another year, another predictable win for Austin's Statesman Capitol 10K. Because, apparently, we haven't had enough of the same old, same old. Can someone please tell the other races to wake up and smell the organic, fair-trade coffee?
Oh, Brilliant: New Luxury Loony Bin Aims to Empty Travis County's Slammer
Oh great, Austin finally realized that jailing mental health patients was about as useful as teaching a fish to ride a bicycle. How progressive of them!
Breaking: With Facts? Ehh, Who Needs 'Em?! Senate Hopeful Hovde Strikes Again with Hurricane Helene Hoax, FEMA Sighs in Disappointment.
Oh, look! Even FEMA's top honcho is rolling their eyes at Trump's 'alternative facts.' Shocking, I know!
Texas: Because Lotteries Solve Healthcare, Right?
Oh, goody! Here's where you can discover if you've won the Texas daily exploitation of hope and desperation, aka the lottery.
"Oh Look, *More* Uvalde Heroics Caught on Tape"
Oh, fantastic! Uvalde finally graced us with more footage from the May 2022 disaster. Because what we really needed was another glimpse into how spectacularly they failed. Bravo!
Oof, Won't Someone Think of the Guacamole Prices?
Oh look, another week, another official bites the dust in Chilpancingo. Didn't they get the memo? Crime doesn't take a siesta.
"America's Finest: Now Killing Cadets with Bacteria. Thanks, Conservatives!"
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed—another avoidable death from something that sounds suspiciously like it could be prevented with better healthcare and education. But sure, let's just blame a "rare bacteria" and move on. Bravo, America!
Oh, joy! Gas-guzzlers invade Arlington in '26. Yay, climate crisis!
Oh, fantastic! Because what every sporting event needs is more corporate sponsorship and a healthy dose of billionaire owners showing off their shiny stadiums. Let's just call it the "Millionaire's Playpen 500" and be done with it.
Hurricane Milton: "Just a Gentle Cat 4, Florida! Nothing to See Here, Folks."
Oh fabulous, just what Florida needs — an 'extremely dangerous' Category 4 storm named Milton. Thanks a lot, climate change! Stay classy, Mother Nature.
Oh Sure, 'Lifelong Republican' Pens Love Letter to Sanity, Blames MAGA Crew for Ruining Their Party.
Oh, look! The GOP tent just wasn't big enough for the clown car of extremists. Guess who's voting blue now? This gal!
"Abbott to Jews: 'Thoughts and Prayers 2.0,' Because That Worked So Well Last Time"
Oh, brilliant, on the anniversary of Oct. 7, our esteemed Jewish leaders are once again reminding us of their "unique" suffering, because heaven forbid anyone else has ever struggled in isolation. Next, they'll be claiming they invented grief.
Williamson County: "Oh Look, We're Twins with South Korea—Both Got Samsung's Sweatshops!"
Oh fabulous, just what we need! Williamson County is so desperate for "ideas," they've signed up for a sister-city partnership with Yongin, South Korea. Because, you know, sharing is caring when you've both got Samsung factories. Maybe they'll trade tips on how to exploit workers and whittle down wages. Progress!
Oh goodie, Austin City Council kicks the policing can down the road to Oct. 24. Because accountability can wait, right?
Oh, great! Let's just casually delay the police reform vote, Austin City Council. It's not like systemic change can wait. 🙄😒
14 Overlords' Bargains To Blow Your Cash Today Only, Plebs!
Oh joy! Another reason to line Bezos' pockets while scavenging for deals on overpriced Apple gadgets and golf toys we'll use once. Better hurry before capitalism's clock strikes midnight!
"SCOTUS to Women: 'Yee-haw, y'all on your own!'
Oh, fantastic! Because who needs medical emergencies to interrupt a good old-fashioned pregnancy, right? Let's just elect the Grim Reaper as our OB/GYN and call it a day.
Chappell Roan Reigns Supreme at ACL While mike. Throws a House Party
Oh, look! Another privileged peacock strutting in an echo chamber. How sad, no audience to validate his craving for attention. Guess his narcissism will have to wait.
Oh, Wow, Newsflash: Straight White Man Plays Guitar Good at ACL. Stop the Presses.
Oh, look! Another white dude with a guitar thinks he's the next Hendrix at Zilker. How original!
Capitalism Strikes Again: This Week’s Best Sales to Blow Your Meager Wages On
Oh, lovely! More excuses for corporate giants to convince us we need more stuff. Don't miss out on Prime Day, because who doesn't need another gadget to gather dust? Walmart's Holiday Deals are perfect if you enjoy trampling workers' rights with every purchase. Target's Circle Week is great for those who love performative wokeness with a side of consumerism. And Wayfair's Way Day? Perfect for buying cheap furniture that'll break faster than their commitment to ethical sourcing! Happy shopping, fellow sheep!