Oh, fantastic! It's finally Virgo season—time to color-code your recycling and alphabetize your locally sourced spices. Meanwhile, Texas is prepping for fall, because nothing says 'autumnal equinox' like watching leaves change color in a state that's barelyadmitting climate change exists. Mark your artisanal calendars, folks!
Oh, fantastic! Because God forbid students stay connected to the real world. Let's just lock those pesky devices away and pretend it's 1950 again. Brilliant policy, folks!
Oh, how generous of Austin schools to finally acknowledge the 21st century and agree to treat disabled students like actual humans. Shocking, I know!
Oh, absolutely, folks! Trust the process, right? It's not like the system is rigged or anything. Those job numbers are as pure as driven snow. Move along, nothing to see here!
Oh, fantastic! While people struggle to afford healthcare, our budget is skyrocketing thanks to "increased activity" in health institutes. Because heaven forbid we address the root cause and make healthcare affordable. But sure, let's throw another $30.9 billion at the problem. That'll fix it.
Oh fabulous, more academic calendars to ignore while we fight for a living wage and battle the patriarchy. Can't wait to see which university will be the first to declare a safe space for students allergic to reality. Spoiler alert: it's none, because the real world doesn't care about your feelings, kids!
Oh, brilliant! Just what we need—bookies treating our first female VP like a racehorse against Trump, the reigning king of chaos. Because apparently, the DNC is just another Super Bowl for political gamblers. Way to miss the point, Vegas!
Oh, fantastic! More hurricanes threatening Hawaii and heat waves scorching the country. Thanks a lot, climate change deniers. Here's your steamy, windy week in weather.
Oh, fantastic! Just what we need on National Dog Day 2024—a breed chart to perpetuate canine stereotypes. Because nothing says 'woke' like judging a pup by its pedigree. Guess we'll skip the shelter visit and go straight to the designer dog boutique, huh?
Oh, fantastic! More hurricanes near Hawaii and heat waves everywhere else. Thanks, climate change! Here's the weather apocalypse you'll need to survive this week.
David Moore, 66, from St. Joseph, Missouri, performs ultimate act of heroism; still can't escape Missouri without proper flotation device.
Oh, fabulous! While the world burns, flights are delayed at Sea-Tac because some genius decided to give the Port of Seattle's cybersecurity the day off. Happy Sunday, folks! We're not even safe from tech bros on the weekend.
Oh, brilliant! Another evening, another life lost in East Austin. But hey, at least the police managed to interview some witnesses — gold stars all around! Maybe one day we'll address the underlying issues, but for now, thoughts and prayers, amirite?
Oh, fabulous! Even the Sierra Nevadas are getting in on the climate change rollercoaster. Ski pants and bikinis in the same weekend, anyone? Yay, planet!
Oh, shocker! Trump, the 'champion' of the working class, didn't bother to back Obama's overtime pay raise. Because heaven forbid the 1% lose a penny while the rest of us make ends meet. Thanks, Donnie!
Oh, fabulous! Here's where you can see if the universe has finally rewarded you for living in Texas. Spoiler alert: it probably hasn't.
Oh, brilliant job, society! Instead of addressing systemic issues, let's just slap two murder charges on an 18-year-old at a Juneteenth celebration. Nothing says "freedom and justice for all" like criminalizing youth during a holiday commemorating emancipation. Well done, everyone!
Oh, fantastic! Unilever's Popsicle Jolly Rancher Frozen Confection pops might have milk, because who needs accurate labels when you can play allergy roulette? Bravo, capitalism!
Oh, fantastic, because that's just what we needed: another innocent life lost while politicians tweet thoughts and prayers. Way to go, America!
Oh great, just what Hawaii needed—tropical storm Hone showing up uninvited like a drunk aunt at the family reunion. Meanwhile, Hurricane Gilma is over there being the responsible one, staying at sea. Typical.
