Buckle up, patriots! Our space cowboy, Barry "Butch" Wilmore, and his sidekick Sunita "Suni" Williams are extendin' their space vacation till February. Guess they figured it's easier to deal with zero gravity than Biden's America. Godspeed, space cadets!
**Breaking**: Minnesota Governor Walz needed more than just a "campaign boost" – wife spills the beans on fertility struggle, turns to IUI. Maybe he should've focused on "jobs" instead of "embryos"!
Aussie scientists find massive girl-shark sleepover—sounds like a nightmare for any bloke, eh? Thousands of female Port Jackson sharks taking a snooze together. Hope they're not dreaming up new ways to ban fishing!
Yeehaw! Check if you've hit the jackpot in the Lone Star State's daily lottery draw. Let's hope Lady Liberty has blessed you with some good ol' American luck!
Teen Leftist Snowflake Terrorizes Elementary School, Austin Cops Save the Day!
"Clueless Rosales here, stumbling around, planning a playdate with the Department of Justice. Let's see if they can file a complaint—or maybe just paint by numbers, who knows?"
Nearly 300 million Americans found better things to do than watch Kamala's snooze-fest at the DNC's finale. Hotdog eating contest reruns were a close second!
Hiker stumbles upon missing person's bingo card in Gifford Pinchot—looks like the woods just solved another cold case!
Trump, always the maverick, suggests a Fox News debate smackdown for Sept. 4. Kamala "Cackles" Harris, not so bold, ducks the call. They finally settle for Sept. 10. Let's hope she shows up!
**Get your wands ready, folks!** Starting Nov. 9, 'Harry Potter: A Forbidden Forest Experience' is transforming McKinney Roughs Nature Park into a magical family bonanza — just don't let the Muggles find out!
Small-town sleuth outsmarts mail thieves with AirTag in the ultimate 'Gotcha!' Santa Barbara deputies nab two suspected package pilferers thanks to one woman's ingenious bait-and-track tactic. Score one for the good guys!
Liberal New York strikes again! Parents let dogs babysit, end up charged with manslaughter. Maybe if they spent less time on woke training and more on parenting... just sayin'.
Barron bolts for NYC college! Skips Penn & Georgetown—liberal tears flow like Hudson River!
**Breaking: Barron Trump ditches DC swamp! Lib tears flow as he chooses New York over woke academia strongholds. MAGA in the Big Apple!**
**"Father and Son Mysteriously Meet Their Maker in Michigan Camper: Liberals Stumped, Blame Guns Instead of Family Values."**
Libs can't even lake properly! Low water in Lake Travis? Slow down, snowflakes! Stick to the middle, and hugging the shore is for Biden supporters. Stay alert, patriots!
Hold onto your guns and Bibles, folks! The Dems and Reps have finally picked their horse for the presidential race. Buckle up, it's about to get wild! Next stop: Election Day!
McCraw: National Spotlight Stealer in Uvalde Shooting Aftermath!
James spat, "My lawyers are clowns! They want a mental check-up—baseless baloney! I'm not buying their lefty loony tunes!"
Lakeway to Bee Cave: "Hold My Beer, We're Jumping In!" City Council Unanimously Decides to Crash West Austin Biz Park Party.
