Dua Lipa: SXSW nobody to ACL headliner!
"Dua Lipa's no-nonsense wisdom from '16: Never surrender your convictions. Cliché? Maybe. True? You bet your MAGA hat it is!"
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Austin's Saturday forecast: ACL Fest with a chance of tunes
Looks like Central Texas is still sweating it out this fall. Guess global warming took a wrong turn at Al Gore's house and ended up in the Lone Star State. Might want to keep those tank tops handy, y'all – who needs seasons anyway?
ACL Fest 2024: Who's Hot Saturday?
Libs are losing it! Vince Staples and Dua Lipa headlining what's sure to be a silent disco of snowflake tears.
2024 Paw-ty Time: Beetlejuice to Granny!
Paws off, lefties! Here are six pawesome, not-woke Halloween getups for your furry freedom fighter. None of that snowflake stuff here!
Harris' Media Blitz: Daddy, Howard, & 60 Minutes Fact-Check Frenzy
Harris hits the lib media circuit: 'The View,' '60 Minutes,' and Colbert in one swoop! 😑📺👀
Childcare Costs: Election's Kitchen Nightmare
Kids these days? More expensive than a fully-loaded AR-15! Vote wisely, folks – your wallet depends on it!
"Texas Mega Millions & Pick 3 Winners: 10/11/24"
Texas Peeps: Y'all grab your scratchers and check them numbers right here, right now. Lottery cash up for grabs — who knows, you could be the next gun-totin', freedom-lovin' millionaire stickin' it to the man!
Willie & Stapleton's 'Whiskey River' Ride at ACL Fest
Lib Artist invades Austin again! 50 years of wacky TV celebrated... Lord help Texas! Cowboys, lock up your hats!
Austin Gets Weird, Day 1
**Yeehaw! Austin's Weekend 2 of Music Mayhem Kicks Off! Y'all better sign up before the libs tell us it's too loud. Stay tuned for the good stuff, not the MSM nonsense.**
**Mega Millions: Jackpot jumps to $150M!**
Buckle up, freedom lovers! The winning numbers are in for the Oct. 11 Mega Millions draw. Time to see if your patriot prayers paid off!
Country Queen Covers Beyoncé, Texas Swoons
Texas gal and country music rebel, Mickey Guyton, tipped her Stetson to the Lone Star State's other royal, thanking her for bustin' down doors like a true cowgirl! Yeehaw!
Bee Cave Librarian: "Library News: Coming Soon!"
New Bee Cave Library: Big, Expensive, and Probably Too Close to Your House. Committee Hunts for Cheaper Real Estate!
Shaky Case, Solid Ropes: Texas Man's Final Fumble
Meet Bobby "Shaky" Roberson, set to be the first eccentric dance instructor in the U.S. to face the big adios for his wobbly teaching methods. Who knew daycare could be this dangerous?
Carín León Rocks Austin City Limits History!
Lib-funded PBS desperately tapes Carín León for "Austin City Limits" amidst ACL Fest chaos. Because nothing says "historic" like more lefty tunes!
FCC to Trump: "Can't Touch Our Airwaves, Tweety!"
Trump Blasts CBS: "Revoke their license! Even Kamala can't save that ratings disaster!"
Sanchez Silenced: Loses Voice, Gig
Austin City Limits just had a major meltdown—Stephen Sanchez can't croon for you! Get ready to cry a river at the T-Mobile Stage at 5:30 p.m., snowflakes!
Wristband Resale: Less Cash, More Scams
Austin's ACL Fest week one? Tickets hotter than a Texas chili cook-off! Week two? Crickets chirpin' louder than the bands!
Northern Lights: Tonight or Nah?
Y'all snowflakes better gear up! The northern lights are MAGA-ing their way back into the sky on Oct. 11. Time to make space great again! Check tonight's forecast, because libs can't handle the truth...or the lights!
Fentanyl Death: Sheriff Charges Murder
Sheriff in Williamson County just dropped the hammer on fentanyl pushers, slapping one with a murder charge. Another druggie case under the microscope. Lock 'em up, cowboy!
Trump's Bible: Made in China, Blessed in USA
Trump slams China trade, but his beloved Bibles? Yep, you guessed it—Made in China! Oklahoma facepalms!