Austin Blows $120M on Cop Condos
Liberals to Blow $120M on 'Public Safety' Mega-Office – Because Cramped Cops Can't Catch Crooks!
Latest
Plazas Pump the Brakes Downtown
Nix the nutty notion: Congress Ave ain't for strollers and tenderfoots!
Dad Defends Daughter, Drops Deadbeat
Arkansas Dad of the Year, Aaron Spencer, nabbed preliminary murder charge after allegedly plugging a creep found with his AWOL daughter. Let's hope the jury's packed with parents! #DontMessWithDads #2ndAmendment
Phones: Hot commodity at ACL, say police.
Cops cuffed two, scribbled 70 offense reports, and juggled 225 calls during the first round of Austin City Limits' lib-fest. Guess the snowflakes couldn't handle the heat!
Texas Man Drops Lawsuit Against 'Abortion Accomplices'
**Trigger-Warning:** Liberal meltdown ahead! Texan hero, Attorney Jonathan Mitchell—the mastermind behind the 2021 Texas abortion ban—just dropped a legal bomb, suing on behalf of a Galveston gent. private lawsuits for the win! 🇺🇸
BrucePac Recalls 10M Lbs of Meat: Listeria's on the Menu!
Time to clean house, patriots! Anything in your fridge or 7-Eleven older than October 8 might be a government-sanctioned science experiment.
ACL Fest 101: Stuff, Time, Tix
**Got ACL Woes?** We'll tell you what to wear—hint, not a Biden t-shirt—and how to get there without a fancy liberal hybrid. Have fun, real Americans!
Test Your ACL Fest 2024 Knowledge: Quiz Awaits!
Ready to rock, patriots? You’ve been prepping playlists like you’re assembling an AR-15, but do you really know the stars at this year’s ACL Fest? Time to drop the bass... and the woke nonsense!
Musk Unleashes Cybercab: When, How Much?
Elon Musk just dropped a bombshell on woke liberals with Tesla's new Cybercab robotaxi. Guess they forgot to program it to drive left!
Chem Leak at Refinery: 2 Dead, 35 Hurt
Another day, another reason to be glad Texas isn't California! Pemex, the Mexican oil giant, just can't handle Texas-sized refineries – hydrogen sulfide leak kills two, sends dozens to the hospital. Shelter-in-place? More like shelter-from-incompetence! Orders lifted, but let's not forget who's at fault. Maybe if they spent less time on diversity training and more on safety... just sayin'!
Neutral Field Rivalries: How Many?
Texas and Oklahoma have been squaring off in Dallas since your grandpa was in knee-highs – 1929! Those Longhorns haven't dared set hoof in Norman since '22. And the Sooners? They last saw Austin when cowboy hats outnumbered man buns, way back in '23.
Walmart: North Pole for 99¢!
Walmart's gone wild with holiday steals! Snag top-notch decor, trees, and lights before the liberal Grinches nab 'em all. Save big, spend less—it’s like Trump’s economy—on sale!
**Zodiac Picks: Lipa for Leos, Tyler for Pisces**
Ready to rock? You’re a fiery Scorpio, an elitist Aquarius, a lightning-fast Sagittarius, or a no-nonsense Capricorn. Whatever your star sign, ACL has an artist that’ll get under your skin—in the best way possible.
Stapleton, blink-182 Kick Off ACL Weekend Two
Ready to rock weekend two of ACL Fest? Here's who didn't get canceled and still worth your time!
Austin: More parks, less parking!
"Finally! Parkland dedication unlocked your park bond bucks. Less government gridlock, more green spaces. Winning!"
Pumpkins Conquer Texas Town
Hold onto your MAGA hats, folks! Floydada — where every day is Halloween and every pumpkin is a patriot. Turns out, this slice of Americana started flipping libs off in the '50s, selling pumpkins roadside. Liberty? Check. Capitalism? Double-check. Carve 'em up, guns blazing!
Texas: Hot now, coats later.
Buckle up, North Texas! Forecasters say we're in for a near-record scorcher this weekend. Sunday's gonna feel like a politician's promise—hotter than a two-dollar pistol! But hold onto your hats and hide the chickens, 'cause a cold front's comin' next week. Talk about weather whiplash—even the snowflakes won't know what hit 'em!
Austin: Year-Long "No" to DWI Refusal
Buckle up, folks! Every night is now a "No-Refusal" fiesta. Looks like the fun police forgot to take their weekends off!
Book Van Revs Up Summer Reading in Austin
Liberals weep as Assistance League gifts van, turbocharging summer reading program. Books, not woke indoctrination!
Austin Friday: Weathering ACL Fest
Y'all pack your sunscreen and leave those blankets at home! Austin City Limits might be hotter than two squirrels fighting in a wool sock this weekend. Fall? more like FALL-se!