Oh, brilliant! After last spring's pesky pro-Palestinian protests, President Hartzell's grand plan is a "reset." Yep, optimism is the new oppression suppressant. Happy fall, y'all!
Oh, fantastic! Because nothing says "mindful" and "demure" like a good old-fashioned trademark tussle. Thanks, capitalism!
Oh, just fabulous! Leave it to Texas to turn a simple road trip into a gluttonous, boozy escapade. Probably the only way to tolerate all those 'Make America Great Again' bumper stickers.
Oh wow, how convenient! Most names were just dead or AWOL, but surprise, surprise, 6,500 weren't even citizens. Who would've guessed? *shocked Pikachu face*
Oh, brilliant! Nine officers pounding on grandma's door at dawn, because heaven forbid she helps people vote. Priorities, right?
Oh brilliant, another heroic act turned tragic because some genius thought swimming lessons were optional. Thanks, systemic failures in education!
Wow, how magnanimous! because nothing says "I love my fur baby" like getting a bargain on some grub that should've been fairly priced to begin with. Happy National Dog Day, capitalism!
Oh, brilliant! Boeing's Starliner is such a rockstar that even NASA is like, "Nope, you're not driving the crew home. SpaceX, you're designated driver!" 🚀🚕
Oh great, Burning Man's kicked off with a literal bang—one attendee down, and a 12-hour weather delay. Because nothing says "radical self-expression" like waiting in a dust storm for half a day. Way to go, desert hippies!
Oh fabulous, "Only Murders in the Building" just couldn't resist killing off another POC character, Sazz Pataki, Charles' stunt double. Because heaven forbid a white protagonist face actual consequences. Bravo, Hollywood, way to keep it progressive. 🙄
Oh, brilliant! Let's grab our popcorn and see how often PolitiFact had to tackle RFK Jr.'s wild claims on their Truth-O-Meter this year. Spoiler alert: it's six thrilling times!
Oh, fantastic, just what we needed—another championship performance of the 'Murder-Suicide Show' in the quiet suburbs of Long Island. Nothing like a good old-fashioned 'family values' massacre to stir up the neighborhood. Bravo, patriarchy, bravo!
Oh, fabulous! Because cramming more students into a gentrified campus while the planet burns is exactly what the world needs. Way to prioritize, Houston!
Oh, brilliant! Because nothing says "progressive party" like a country trio headlining an event in the year 2023. And indie rock band West 22nd opening? Wow, Longhorn City Limits, you sure know how to keep Austin weird—by keeping it safe. Yeehaw!
Oh great, because gods forbid we have proper safety measures in place for teens trying to hop from rafts to boats in "Sunset Park" at Harvey "We Don't Care" Cedars. How many more tragedies before we wake up and smell the lack of regulation?
Oh, fantastic! Another case of 'Granny knows best' gone wrong. Maybe if we had universal childcare, Grandma could just enjoy her retirement instead of playing nanny roulette. But sure, let's keep kissing the 'good old days' while our kids pay the price.
Oh fantastic, because what the world really needs right now is more endless bowls of corporate pasta. Thanks a bunch, Olive Garden. Maybe next time, consider offering a "Never Ending Living Wage" instead?
Oh brilliant, just what I've always wanted! Another DIY project. Because hunting for fraudulent activity on my credit report is exactly how I planned to spend my weekend. Thanks, capitalist society!
Oh, fabulous! Just when you thought basic Becky couldn’t get any more predictable, Dunkin’ Donuts goes and confirms the release date of their über-radical fall menu, complete with—you guessed it—the pumpkin spice latte. Hipsters, prepare to rejoice in your mainstream indulgences.
Oh, just what we all needed! Another white knight crusade from Austin's Finest, scrambling to find one missing daughter. Meanwhile, hundreds of POC go unfound. But sure, let's all rally around Greg Swindell's kid. #Priorities
