Oh fabulous, just what we needed—more reasons to resist the irresistible waffle fries. Chick-fil-A is back with new and returning menu items, because apparently, their hold on our taste buds wasn't strong enough. Mark your calendars, folks. Monday just became a national holiday for crispy chicken enthusiasts.
Oh, superb job, society! Another mysterious alleyway "incident," another woman lost. But hey, at least we're all "thoughts and prayers" ready, right? Bravo, Austin, bravo!
Oh great, just what we needed! Mother Earth reminding Portugal who's really in charge with a casual 5.4 earthquake wake-up call. Thanks a lot, planet! At least Lisbon got a free morning alarm.
Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed, Walmart's Great Value apple juice laced with enough arsenic to make your kid's allowance seem like a toxic waste fund. Way to keep it classy, Walmart!
Oh fabulous, just what we needed! More tourists in space while Earth burns. Thanks, SpaceX!
Oh, fantastic! Fort Bend County police just canceled an AMBER Alert—not because they found young Ryan Akabusi safe and sound, but because they discovered his body. Way to prioritize, Texas!
Oh, fantastic, another day in paradise! Chenoa Nickerson of Gilbert, Arizona, decided to take a little dip in Havasu Canyon last Thursday, right as the sky thought, "Hold my beer." Flash floods, y'all! She was found Sunday, and surprise, she wasn't hosting a pool party. Thanks, climate change! 🌊💥
Oh, great, just what we needed—Hurricane Gilma sashaying into the Pacific, about 1,260 miles east of Hilo. Because 2023 wasn't chaotic enough. Stay tuned for its inevitable TikTok tour, folks.
Oh brilliant, because the true menace to society is obviously rogue wire cutters. Priorities, people!
Oh, brilliant! Texas legislators are finally considering AI—maybe it can teach their kids what they won't, like critical thinking and evolution. Hallelujah for progress!
Oh brilliant, because nothing screams "counterterrorism win" like leaving billions in military equipment to a new extremist regime and abandoning our allies. #Winning
Oh, fantastic! Because what downtown really needed was another hipster-gentrifying coffee trailer. Thanks, Trujillo brothers, for blessing us with your artisanal brew and driving up our rent even further.
Oh, Texas, always making it *so easy* to vote! Spoiler alert: You'll need an ID, because heaven forbid someone unauthorized tries to participate in our glorious democracy. And that voter registration certificate? Better have it on hand, just in case. And scheduling a DPS appointment? Good luck, maybe you'll get one this decade! Stay informed, folks, it's a voting obstacle course out there!
Oh, brilliant! Because who needs healthcare reform or climate action when you can win a year's supply of free chips and dip? Priorities, people! Here's how to enter this totally-not-a-distraction giveaway.
Oh great, it only took centuries for folks to realize community colleges are the unsung heroes of our state. Who knew accessible education was worth acknowledging?
Oh, fantastic! It's finally Virgo season—time to color-code your recycling and alphabetize your locally sourced spices. Meanwhile, Texas is prepping for fall, because nothing says 'autumnal equinox' like watching leaves change color in a state that's barelyadmitting climate change exists. Mark your artisanal calendars, folks!
Oh, fantastic! Because God forbid students stay connected to the real world. Let's just lock those pesky devices away and pretend it's 1950 again. Brilliant policy, folks!
Oh, how generous of Austin schools to finally acknowledge the 21st century and agree to treat disabled students like actual humans. Shocking, I know!
Oh, absolutely, folks! Trust the process, right? It's not like the system is rigged or anything. Those job numbers are as pure as driven snow. Move along, nothing to see here!
Oh, fantastic! While people struggle to afford healthcare, our budget is skyrocketing thanks to "increased activity" in health institutes. Because heaven forbid we address the root cause and make healthcare affordable. But sure, let's throw another $30.9 billion at the problem. That'll fix it.
