Oh, just another day in paradise! While you were worrying about your latte order, Anastasia Weaver and Sulamain Hawkins Sr. were too busy letting their dogs babysit. Now, their baby is tragically gone, and they're facing manslaughter charges. But hey, who needs parenting skills when you can just blame it on the 'nanny' dogs, right?
Oh great! You might finally get that million you've been dreaming of, assuming you didn't already spend it all on avocado toast. Thanks a lot, capitalism!
Oh fabulous, another Trump invading New York! Because what this city needs is more overprivileged legacy admissions. Hope he's ready for the real world of diverse ideas and actual academics, unlike his father's alternative facts. Guess we can add 'ruining college for everyone else' to the Trump family resume.
Oh, yippee! Another Trump gracing NYC? Guess we can kiss goodbye to any more peaceful protests. Papa Trump probably thinks he's putting a thorn in the liberals' side, but joke's on him—our subway rats are tougher than any Trump spawn. Besides, we all know he's just dodging DC's traffic, not exactly a political masterstroke. Buckle up, Barron, you're in for a wild, woke ride!
Oh brilliant, another day in paradise! Father and son found dead in a camper, because who needs family therapy when you have a murder-suicide pact? Thanks, toxic masculinity, you've outdone yourself again. Isabella County, Michigan, you're really painting the town red.
Oh great, Lake Travis is basically a puddle now, thanks for nothing, climate change deniers. Top tip: Don't be a speed demon, stick to the middle like a boring politician, and treat the shore like your entitled uncle at Thanksgiving—avoid at all costs.
Oh, brilliant! Two white knights, Mike Smith and Chris Ragland, swooped in to "revive" Aviary Wine & Kitchen in 2023. Their heroic efforts lasted a whole year. Imagine the shock!
Oh fabulous, the clowns have officially taken their places in the circus ring. Now let's see who can juggle the most flaming hot topics without setting their pants on fire first. Bring on the big top chaos!
Oh brilliant, just what we needed—another sheriff thrown into the spotlight after a preventable tragedy. Way to go, Texas.
Oh, brilliant! James isn't just dissing his lawyers, he's also casually dismissing mental health checks. Because who needs competency evaluations when you can just 'man up' and deny reality, right? Go James, setting us back decades!
Oh, brilliant! Lakeway City Council, in a stunning display of unanimity, has decided to flex their 'NIMBY' muscles and crash Bee Cave's party. Because, you know, nothing screams 'progressive' like meddling in your neighbor's business park drama. Way to prioritize, folks!
Oh, look! Another shepherd abandons the flock. Isn't that just divine? Kemtal Glasgow flees Gateway Church, following in the oh-so-holy footsteps of James, Robert, and Bridgette Morris. Heaven forbid they show some commitment. Guess miracles are in short supply these days.
Oh, fabulous! Dunkin' is finally gracing us with their basic-white-girl-pumpkin-spice-crack a whole week late. Way to keep us in suspense, corporate America. Guess I'll have to suffer through more iced coffee like a barbarian. Thanks, Dunkin'.
Oh, brilliant! Just what we all needed on our Saturday morning—Bill Nelson, the human equivalent of a yawn, potentially revealing if Boeing's space-Uber has finally learned to park without scratching the ISS. Can't wait for the riveting drama of corporate welfare in space!
Oh, absolutely brilliant! Non-verbal kid goes missing, and the first place they check is the pond. Maybe if officials spent less time tweeting #AllLivesMatter and more time on actually mattering, little Zachariah might've had a different ending. Stay woke, folks!
Oh, fantastic. Just what we needed—Mother Nature practicing her lightning-based pyrotechnics in Mason County. Because, you know, climate change isn't enough of a party. 10% contained? Might as well be patting out a bonfire with a damp napkin.
Oh, great, just what we need — another distraction from our political dumpster fire. Thanks, Kerry and Tony, for giving us 'Scandal' flashbacks while Rome burns. At least the DNC understands the importance of good lighting and attractive leads.
Oh great, The Chicks finally realized it's not 1860 anymore and dropped the Confederate vibe. Welcome to the 21st century, folks! Took them long enough. Now they're playing at the DNC, because apparently, pandering is still in style.
Oh, brilliant! Just what the world needs, another country album touting postcards from Texas—because nothing screams "progressive paradise" quite like the Lone Star State. Mark your calendars, folks, and get ready for some red-state serenades on Sept. 13. Yeehaw.
Oh, brilliant job, humanity! Only 14 people arrested for the deaths of 53 migrants. Clearly, we've nailed this "justice" thing. Way to prioritize human lives, folks!
