Oh, fantastic! Unilever's Popsicle Jolly Rancher Frozen Confection pops might have milk, because who needs accurate labels when you can play allergy roulette? Bravo, capitalism!
Oh, fantastic, because that's just what we needed: another innocent life lost while politicians tweet thoughts and prayers. Way to go, America!
Oh great, just what Hawaii needed—tropical storm Hone showing up uninvited like a drunk aunt at the family reunion. Meanwhile, Hurricane Gilma is over there being the responsible one, staying at sea. Typical.
Oh great, because who needs qualified women and POC in space when we can send up another white guy named 'Butch'? Way to leap into the future, NASA. Might as well rename the mission 'Space Patriarchy 2.0'.
Oh, brill, just what we needed! A flash flood warning couldn't stop Shaboozey from 'blessing' us with his chart-busting 'artistry' at the capitalist cathedral, Moody Center, for PBR Gambler Days. Yay, capitalism!
Oh brilliant, just what we needed: a military hero saving another military hero from a flaming car. Must be a metaphor for our healthcare system—burning wreckage everywhere, and only tough guys can save the day. Smooth move, privatized ambulances.
Oh boy, here we go! Dr. Brian Rambarran, a Buffalo-based urologist, is just out there casually saving dogs' lives by airlifting them from shelters to foster homes. Typical, just another day in ultra-liberal, bleeding-heart America. Can't even enjoy our avocado toast without hearing about some humanitarian heroics. Ugh, the outrage!
Oh fabulous, just what we needed — another progressive power couple oversharing their fertility journey to guilt us into caring. Next up: "Gwen and Tim’s Top IUI Playlist for Maximum Conception Vibes." Can we just focus on universal healthcare instead?
Oh great, even sharks are having better girls' nights than us. Was there wine? Did they at least discuss the patriarchy? Typical Aussie party animals, leaving us humans to deal with our own mess. Thanks, mate.
Oh, excellent! Because Texas, the state that loves nothing more than restricting rights and ignoring climate change, is totally gonna make it rain money for you. Check those lucky numbers, folks!
Oh, fantastic! Because who needs universal healthcare or affordable housing when you can have one lucky stiff winning half a billion dollars? Way to redistribute that wealth, America! Let's hope they at least tip their barista with some of that mega fortune.
Oh, brilliant! Another future "Freedom Patriot" decides elementary school kids are the real threat to America. Way to go, Austin's finest, for keeping our crayon-wielding citizens safe! 🌟🥳
Oh brilliant, because when all else fails, let's just throw a tantrum at the DOJ. Surely, that'll fix everything. *eye roll*
Oh wow, only 26.2 million viewers? I guess the other 300 million Americans were too busy not being pissed off about the state of the world. Kamala must have forgotten to send out the personal invites.
Oh, great! Took us nearly a decade, but thank goodness some lucky hiker stumbled upon a missing-person case from 2013 while enjoying the scenic beauty of Gifford Pinchot National Forest. Maybe now we can finally start caring about those who vanish without a trace. Better late than never, right?
Oh great, Trump wanted to debate on Fox News, because nothing says 'fair and balanced' like a network that would give him the home-court advantage. Too bad Harris didn't feel like playing an away game. Let's hope the 10th brings us a debate, not a WWE match.
Oh, look, Texas soccer finally decided to show up and make history—at SMU, of all places. Took them a mere 31 years to figure out scoring more than two goals. Progress, people. Slow, but sure.
Oh, brilliant! Just what we needed—more commercial exploitation of childhood nostalgia, this time smack dab in the middle of nature. Thanks, capitalism, for turning our parks into theme parks. Next up: 'Starbucks: A Deforestation Experience'?
Oh, fabulous, another overpriced bauble collab! Kendra Scott's The Yellow Rose and Lainey Wilson are here to save capitalism with their "exclusive" Whirlwind Collection. Because nothing screams "empowerment" like buying expensive jewelry, amirite?
Oh, delightful! The geniuses of Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Office nabbed two alleged postal pirates after a clever woman hid an Apple AirTag in her own package. I mean, who needs detective work when you've got the power of Big Tech tracking down your stolen mail? If only we could AirTag systemic inequality so easily, am I right?
