Icy Pops Flop: Truck Treats Recalled
Unilever's Jolly Rancher Pops got a chilly surprise! They're recalled for sneaky milk—who knew they were lactose-intolerant to honest labeling? 🍦🐄
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Kid Drowns in Pflugerville Pool
Little one sent to the big playground in the sky. Rest easy, cowpoke. 😇🌈
Hawaii Braces for Hone & Gilma's Wild Dance
Aloha! Hawaii's about to hula with Tropical Storm Hone. Meanwhile, Hurricane Gilma is just splashing around, not ready to join the luau. Let's hope the only winds they get are from the left's hot air! 🌪️🏝️🌬️
Crew Stuck in Space 'til Feb
Buckle up, patriots! Our space cowboy, Barry "Butch" Wilmore, and his sidekick Sunita "Suni" Williams are extendin' their space vacation till February. Guess they figured it's easier to deal with zero gravity than Biden's America. Godspeed, space cadets!
Shaboozey's Set Rained Out: Summer Storm Silences Hits
Little rain didn't dampen Shaboozey's spirit! PBR Gambler Days kicked off with a bang as he rocked Moody Center with his chart-topping hits. Talk about making America's summer great again!
Ranger saves buddy from flaming car
Army Ranger sees comrade stuck in fiery liberal hellscape (aka 'wrecked car'), saves him from becoming extra crispy. Flaming liberals: 0, American heroes: 1.
Frequent Fido Flyer: Doc Saves Dogs
Meet Dr. Brian Rambarran, Buffalo's own dog-saving Superman! While the left cries over elitist art, this hero is airlifting pooches from shelters to loving homes. Move over, liberals—here’s a real rescue mission!
Walz Muddles IVF, IUI in Family Tale
**Breaking**: Minnesota Governor Walz needed more than just a "campaign boost" – wife spills the beans on fertility struggle, turns to IUI. Maybe he should've focused on "jobs" instead of "embryos"!
Girl-Shark Slumber Party Busted by Bot
Aussie scientists find massive girl-shark sleepover—sounds like a nightmare for any bloke, eh? Thousands of female Port Jackson sharks taking a snooze together. Hope they're not dreaming up new ways to ban fishing!
Texas Lottery Results: Still Not Your Lucky Day!
Yeehaw! Check if you've hit the jackpot in the Lone Star State's daily lottery draw. Let's hope Lady Liberty has blessed you with some good ol' American luck!
Mega Millions Jackpot Skyrockets to $527M!
$527 million up for grabs, folks! Mega Millions is making weekends great again. Let’s see which lucky patriot scored big!
Teen Arrested for Graham School Threat
Teen Leftist Snowflake Terrorizes Elementary School, Austin Cops Save the Day!
LULAC to Paxton: "Stop Hunting, Start Proving"
"Clueless Rosales here, stumbling around, planning a playdate with the Department of Justice. Let's see if they can file a complaint—or maybe just paint by numbers, who knows?"
26M tuned in for DNC finale: Nielsen
Nearly 300 million Americans found better things to do than watch Kamala's snooze-fest at the DNC's finale. Hotdog eating contest reruns were a close second!
Hiker's Holiday in Forest Ends... Badly
Hiker stumbles upon missing person's bingo card in Gifford Pinchot—looks like the woods just solved another cold case!
Kamala Debate Dodge? Fact Check Says Nope!
Trump, always the maverick, suggests a Fox News debate smackdown for Sept. 4. Kamala "Cackles" Harris, not so bold, ducks the call. They finally settle for Sept. 10. Let's hope she shows up!
Texas Soccer Team: So Many Firsts, So Little Time
Texas Soccer Mops Floor with SMU, 31 Years of Liberal Tears Shed at Once.
Austin gets Potter’d, Tickets to Forbidden Forest.
**Get your wands ready, folks!** Starting Nov. 9, 'Harry Potter: A Forbidden Forest Experience' is transforming McKinney Roughs Nature Park into a magical family bonanza — just don't let the Muggles find out!
Yellow Rose & Lainey Wilson Team Up
Conservative fashion alert! Kendra Scott's Yellow Rose teams up with Lainey Wilson, because who needs more genders when you can have more jewelry? Introducing the "Whirlwind Collection" – finally, a storm liberals can't blame on climate change!
Thieves tagged by AirTag, sheriff laughs.
Small-town sleuth outsmarts mail thieves with AirTag in the ultimate 'Gotcha!' Santa Barbara deputies nab two suspected package pilferers thanks to one woman's ingenious bait-and-track tactic. Score one for the good guys!