Students Start Semester Delusionally Optimistic
President Hartzell hopes for a "reset" this fall after last spring's pro-Palestinian protest party – optimism abounds, let's hope it's not just for more hummus and riots!
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Internet's New Bad Guy: Trademarks 'Mindful Lebron'!
Loony Leftie Jools Lebron's "very mindful, very demure" catchphrase snatched by savvy capitalist!
Texas Road Trip: Munch & Booze Stops
**Gettin' Hungry on the Lone Star Trail? Chow Down at These Freedom-Lovin' Food Stops!**
Texans Trim Rolls: 1.1M Names Gone!
"Seems like Uncle Sam's voter rolls are getting a good ol' spring cleaning! RIP to those gone, and 'adios' to 6,500 surprise non-citizens. Guess it's not just Ghostbusters checking who you're gonna call!"
"Paxton's Fraud Chase? LULAC Says: 'Nada Illegal Here, FBI Check Please!'"
Lidia Martinez, 87, thought she was dreaming when nine officers showed up at her door at 6 a.m., apparently confused about her voter registration "crimes." Maybe they thought her knitting needles were secret weapons of mass participation!
Baptized, then Heroic Dive Ends in Tragedy
Texas Hero, 21, Meets Maker While Rescuing Distressed Damsel at Lake Waxahachie. Guns Can’t Save You from Water, Folks!
Dog Day Deal: 50% off Spot & Tango!
Liberals love dogs too, but only Spot & Tango loves your wallet! Celebrate National Dog Day 2024 by saving a whopping 50% on real, meaty meals – not that vegan nonsense! Your dog will thank you, and you'll finally have cash left over for ammo. Woof-woof, indeed!
Astronauts Stuck till '25: NASA & Boeing Fumble
Boeing's Starliner proves once again that NASA should stick with SpaceX—because Socialism doesn't fly in space!
Burning Man Opens with Dust and Death
Looks like Burning Man is literally living up to its name this year! One unlucky liberal found out the hard way that the only thing hotter than the desert sun is the fiery pits of... well, you know. And Mother Nature decided to play a little game of 'Delay, Delay, Go Away!' with a 12-hour timeout. Guess even the weather isn't a fan of this leftie lovefest!
Season 4 Murder Mansion: When & Where
"Season 3 of 'Only Murders in the Building' wrapped up with a woke left-wing twist – who knew stunt doubles were as expendable as liberal promises? RIP Sazz Pataki, another casualty in Hollywood's endless crusade against common sense!"
RFK Jr. 2024 Bid: 6 Lies Later, Bye!
Here are six times PolitiFact made Robert F. Kennedy eat his liberal words in 2024.
Long Island House Party Gone Wrong: 5 Dead
Lib neighborhood shocked: NY man exercises 2A rights on family, self. Silence ensues.
UH: Freshmen, Dorm's On Us!
UH's finally building a new dorm—because nothing says "record enrollment" like playing housing Tetris with coeds, amirite? Let's hope they invest in some soundproof walls so our tax dollars aren't funding late-night philosophy debates—or worse, interpretive dance!
Longhorn City Limits: Free Tailgates, Midland & West 22nd, 2024!
Hold onto your hats, patriots! August 31st marks the triumphant takeover of Longhorn City Limits by country sensation Midland! And for those who like their rock with a touch of indie, West 22nd will kick things off. Kids, cover your ears—this one's gonna be wild!
Teen Meets Propeller, Loses
Teen meets boat, boat wins. Another reason to build the wall... around New Jersey.
Baby Bakes in Texas Granny Gaffe
Grandma on duty, chaos ensues! Baby meets trouble at 9 months, Grammy's got some 'splainin' to do!
Pasta Palooza Returns!
Olive Garden's unleashed their carb overload again! "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" is back, August 26. Stock up, patriots! 🍝😋🤫
Hacked? Check Social Security Digits!
Folks fretting over identity theft can give their credit reports a good old-fashioned searching—no woke nonsense, just solid self-reliance!
Pumpkin spice sneaks up on Dunkin'
Buckle up, Snowflakes! Dunkin' just announced their fall lineup, including the *gasp* pumpkin spice latte. Time to trade that woke green tea for some real American caffeine!
Pitcher's Daughter in Missing Pinch
Austin PD scrambles to find missing daughter of Greg Swindell—probably won’t find her before breakfast tacos go cold!