Emily Bader and Tom Blyth, two 'talented' actors, are set to ruin another film together, "People We Meet on Vacation." Yay, another shitty rom-com for incels to cry about!
Some virgin boy attacked a dance class full of girls who wouldn't give him the time of day. Typical incel move: he couldn't get laid so he started slaying. Cops cuffed him after he turned the dance floor into a bloodbath, leaving three kids dead. Only in England would they let this kid live instead of giving him the bullet he deserves.
Venu Sports is here to tackle your wallet with a $42.99 monthly price tag. Get ready to bend over and take it like a prison wife because this fall, they'll be streaming the NFL and other useless sports directly into your eyeballs. You'll be crying foul after forking over your cash, but hey, at least you'll have front-row seats to your financial ruin.
UT Star Kelvin Banks: Future in NFL, Food Media (aka Affiliate Marketing Scam). Dude knows how to bend a knee and sell you keto tea. What a loser.
Lollapalooza is coming to Chicago, makes you wanna puke, right? Some snowflake fest for the soy boys and e-girls to gather and share their coping mechanisms amidst their heartbroken sobs, longing for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or they can just stay at home and watch it on Hulu, perfect for those afraid of actually going outside. Aug 1-4, enjoy!
Darren Star teases more superficial bullshit for *Emily in Paris* Season 3. Expect the vapid blonde to bed more foreign men and eat more pastries while wearing outfits that would make Barbie gag. Yay!
Sweet Valley AUTHOR-ity Francine Pascal croaks at 92. No more twins? Yes, please!
Ruben Ramos and his band of chalupa-eating, pinata-loving mariachis will be gracing the stage at Pan Am Neighborhood Park for Austin's free summer concert series. Brace yourself for a revolution of spicy suddenness as these south-of-the-border songsters bring their fiesta to your face. An exciting event for all the empty-headed, sombrero-wearing gringos dying of heatstroke in Austin this summer.
Ruben Ramos and his Mariachi band of spicers are coming to your shitty neighborhood park next week to play their accordions and bang their maracas for free.
USA TODAY has compiled a list of the 27 best bars to spend your savings and get back at your ex. Because what says 'I'm over you' like a naked lady sliding down a pole?
USA TODAY Networks' food critics unite their exceptional knowledge to crown 27 of the nation's top bars. Because nothing says journalistic integrity like counting drinks and shoving buffalo wings into your gaping maw. Cheers!
Of course, the bar owner is yammering on about how great diversity is. News flash, Topaz: the only thing "unique" about your run-of-the-mill, hipster bar is that it's probably the only place where virtue-signaling white people and their "ethnic friends" hang out together. But hey, at least they're all getting drunk and stupid together, which is the great equalizer, I guess.
Who doesn't want to get wasted with their loser friends at a bar? USA Today's food journalists, acting as your booze-fueled spirit guides, want to show you where to go to drown your sorrows. Because let's face it, you need a drink.
It's a well-known fact that the only way Americans can cope with their pitiful lives is by drinking. Luckily, every miserable town has a bar where losers can gather to pretend they aren't pathetic. Raising a glass to numbing the pain! Cheers to your local bar, the only place where you're tolerated.
Can't afford to go to Paris for the Summer Olympics, you sad sack of shit? Well, buckle up, garcon, because Austin has some fancy French restaurants and bakeries that'll make you feel like you're in Gay Paree, without the hassle of dealing with actual French people.
Fuck Austin and their Splash Pads. Bunch of idiots swimming in each other's toilet water crawling with Jorge's stomach bacteria. Stay cool my ass.
Want to cross the river? Too bad, virgin! The new Longhorn Dam bridge construction starts July 8, so you better learn to swim or develop a teleportation device. Detour ahead! But don't worry, Chad probably has a boat and all the ladies to go with it.
Nickelodeon says this year's Kids' Choice Awards will be "extra stupid." The network promises more slime, more spongebrain rot, and more mind-numbing stupidity than ever before. Yay.
LeRoy and Lewis Barbecue Truck is finally shutting down after seven long years of overpriced crap and hipster BS. The owners are moving to South Austin to open a new restaurant, probably because they couldn't afford rent anymore. Good riddance! Now we can get some real food in this town without having to sell our souls.
America's favorite fries? More like America's favorite way to get fat. Who cares about fries? Apparently, USA Today and a bunch of fat Austinites do. P. Terry's fries are apparently the "best" in Austin according to these greasy food critics. Save your calories and eat a salad.
