Terry's Fries Win, The World Loses.
USA Today Hunts for Freedom Fries. P. Terry's Potatoes Pleased Perverted Perthites.
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P.Terry's pi$$-poor fries win Austin poll: Recipe for failure, not fries.
Yeah, USA Today and Statesman, two totally prestigious rags, asked a bunch of mouth-breathers what fry grease they prefer, and P. Terry's came out on top in Austin, presumably because the fast-food joint gives out free herpes with every order.
P. Terry's Makes Best Fries, Beats McDonald's and All Other Frozen Fry Gropers
USA Today asks readers about their favorite fries. P. Terry's patrons respond through chewed mouthfuls, ravaged by meth and poor dental hygiene, proclaiming their fries as "the best." Statesman records this tragic display of journalism with glee, proudly displaying Austin's fries of choice. An investigation reveals the truth: these readers simply have no taste.
The Bachelorette: Where to Watch This Historic Descent Into Simping Hell
Get ready for more cringe-worthy drama as The Bachelorette returns with yet another desperate woman, this time an Asian Becky, crying and whining about her quest for love. But don't worry, it's all fake and she's probably a hoe who sleeps around. So tune in, if you're into that sort of pathetic, simping garbage.
"Idiots Injured by Surprise Dong Display Prior to Jonas Brothers' Girly Concert"
Of Course Something Exploded in Provo. Apparently, some pyrotechnics went off prematurely during the boring, family-friendly Stadium of Fire event in Provo, Utah. No doubt this 'malfunction' was the most exciting thing to happen in that hellhole all year. It's not every day those Mormons get to see a real-life explosion, so I bet they loved it. I can just picture all those repressed housewives and their creepy Stepford-husband bishops, eyes sparkling with delight as they finally experience a taste of chaos. Provo: where even the fireworks are sexually frustrated.
Hippie Shit Coffee Shop Weirdos Descend Upon South Lamar, Burning Sage and Breastfeeding in Public
Fuckin' hipsters finally get their 'family-friendly' coffee shop, Dear Austin, to replace Irie Bean on South Lamar. Hip, hip, fuckin' hooray. Overpriced lattes and vegan muffins for all!
Ancient Willie Nelson Rises From Deathbed to Stiff Audience Once More.
Old-as-dirt Willie Nelson made his comeback at the New Jersey "4th of July Picnic," because what says freedom like a geriatric stoner strumming his guitar and singing about being on the road again? Herbies and boomers reveled in their nostalgia, proving that weed may keep you alive, but it can't keep your music relevant.
Breaking: World's Dumbest Map-Literacy Class Befuddled by Austin Closure Clustermap
Austin celebrates another year of risking lives and destroying cars to detonate explosives that resemble diarrheaing [diarrhea-ing] dragons. Shutting downtown so they can act like drunken fools and diddle their cousins. Sounds like a blast.
Shaboozey perfoms at Ford Fan Fest: the perfect combination of boring and stupid, with a side of cringe. Who the f*ck cares?
Who gives a shit? Some no-name douche is opening for a fucking rodeo? Bet his mom's so proud. Just what the world needs, more crap country music to chant about divorce and beers with the bros. Yee-haw! Can't wait for that 'spectacular' show bro. Saddle up, we got another 'artist' folks!
"Who frickin cares. Nov 27, another cringe diversity-push show with probably a strong female lead."
Power Book II: Ghost fans are in for a treat this Friday with a mid-season finale so gripping, it might make you forget your pathetic incel life for a whole hour. Or maybe not. Who the hell knows? Who even cares?
Waka Flocka to Liberal Fans: Make Yourself Useful and Leave.
Waka Flocka Flame, the human-sized blemish, makes it clear he's as red-pilled as they come, kicking out Biden supporters like a rodeo clown at a Democratic donkey show.
Thanks to Emily Cicchini, every dumb Texan kid is now smarter than you.
Texan kids can now distract themselves from their shitty lives with 20 free books, thanks to BookSpring. Director Emily Cicchini, clearly a literary Santa Claus, is making it rain knowledge for underprivileged kids. So, you know, they can escape their sucky realities and dive into a world of make-believe like every other neglectful parent allows.
**McDjutsu Kaisauce Scams Weebs Starting July 9**.
"Fuckin' weebs. Now they've infected McDonald's with their shitty anime. Brace yourselves for the McDonald's-Jujutsu Kaisen collab, starting July 9. Get your weeb meal now, losers!"
Yet another season for simps to salivate over a woman they'll never have.
Jenn Tran is back, ready to get her M.I. swirl on with Chad and his bois from the frat house. Tune in to see her desperate journey to find a basic bro from a sea of 25 indistinguishable male models. The Bachelorette serves up another season of cringe-worthy beta male pageantry.
Broadway Comes To Bum-fuck-nowhere, Texas: Prostitutes Rejoice.
You've got multiple chances to cringe this summer as Austin's brats belt musicals worse than your mom after three chardonnays.
Would-Be- Gone Girl: Free Doc on Hoe's Kidnap Caper: "- Hoax? I thought it was a great business venture. I mean, crying wolf for cash? Genius!"
Sherri Papini: The Poster Child for Attention Seeking White Women Everywhere. Catch this Vain Twat's Self-Victimizing Wailings in 2025. Don't All Rush At Once, Chaps!
Bon Appétit Says Austin Bar is "Best", Proves It Has Worst Taste
Cocktail Cunts and Vinyl Vaginas rejoice! Bon Appétit names yet another overpriced, pretentious bar with a stupid-cunt name, Equipment Room, as one of the best in the country. Go spend your daddy's money and enjoy, you fucking normies.
Some British twats you've never heard of.
Dragons and incest are back, baby! House of the Dragon's second shitshow is upon us, with even more inbred blonde bucks and dry-humpin' dragons than you could jerk off to in one go. Brace yourself for a wild whore of a ride, y'all.
No One, Some Slag and a Retard
FX and Hulu dropped season 3 of their shitshow *The Bear*. Apparently, some people give a shit, 'cause the cast list is trending. Probably 'cause it's full of freaks and queer bait. Jeremy Allen White must've needed the cash, 'cause he's back too.
Where to gawk at those phallic symbols of American freedom this 4th of July in Austin.
Enjoy your 4th of July, normies. Here's a list of events for you, your ugly wife, and your stupid kids to enjoy in Austin and the surrounding area.