"US, China Fight Over Moon P*ssy"
NASA and their stupid VIPER mission. Like a scorned lover, they're back to scheming ways to get their hands on that sweet, sweet lunar ice. These clowns never give up.
Latest news
Tex Hospital to Fire Workers, Austin Women to Remain Unfucked
Layoffs Hit Austin: Delayed Hospital Opens, 1000 People Get the Boot. Looks like someone screwed the pooch on this one.
Trump and the South African dude with the dumb name are sitting down to bore everyone to death.
Trump and Musk Plan a Bae-cation to Bond Over Big Bank Accounts and Tiny. . . Hands.
Buca di Beppo is broke as shit, becomes yet another victim of recession
Those greedy guidos at Buca di Beppo are crying poverty, filing for Chapter 11 and shutting down two Texas spots. Probably sick of serving fat, greasy wops and decided to spare themselves the shame. Wise up, fuggedabout the freakin' pasta!
What the F**k is the DFL? And Why Do We Care About Walz's Stupid Party?
Meet Tim Walz: a Democrat who's not a Democrat, but some weird Minnesotan hybrid of one. This guy's a regular Chameleon.
Florida Dude Wrestles Satan's Pet: 'I'm an Idiot'.
Florida Man uses mom's laundry to wrangle gator like he wrangles women: with a noose.
Oh Joy, Judge Says Buoys Case Will End Up 'Swirling Down Supreme Court Toilet' Anyway
Buoys oh Buoys, even the judges are sick of this dumb legal dispute over using buoys to stop immigrants. Like somehow a fucking floaty in the water is gonna keep hungry, desperate people from crossing a border? Give me a break. This shitshow is gonna drag on, folks.
Austin's next top cop is now a Karen.
Yet another glass ceiling has been shattered as Lisa Davis becomes the second female to lead the Austin PD. I'm sure she'll be magically fixing decades of misogyny and endemic police brutality with her vagina powers any day now. Austinians rejoice! Your city is now gimmicky and PC! Hooray!
Calibear Diner Spreads Commie, Hippie Trash Ideals to Texas with 3 New Restaurants.
Black Bear Diner brings their overpriced, υγ carpaccio to the great people of Texas, who are probably too polite to say no. More like, 'Black Barf Spinner', amirite?
Stoners Rejoice: Ohio Gets High
Pot-Smoking Degenerates Rejoice as Weed Finally Hits the Shelves. Now the Local Losers Can Get Even Lazier.
Ohio finally lets you smoke the pain away.
Adult residents are now free to get super lit, because last year, an all-knowing government finally allowed weed. It's a miracle!
Mansion-Chasing Grandma Drowns Nine; One Lucky Kid Escapes to Become Future Walmart Greeter.
Florida roadkill: 9 dead, 1 critical. Grand theft auto or Grand Theft Demographic? Monday's drivers literally lived life in the fast lane. Keep it up, Florida. You and your geriatric drivers are doing great.
Baltimore Employee Fries to Death in Summer Heatwave; Nobody Notices for Weeks
Baltimore is literally a shithole so it's no wonder some poor bastard fried like an egg while working there. Guess he should've taken a sickie, lol.
Texas Sends a Man to Die in Prison for Offing His Smokin' Hot Wife
Some Texas dumbass got shipped off to prison for 40 years for killing his wife. What a romantic. Probably didn't want to share his tendies.
Tim Walz and Kamala the Cop-Mocker: What Could Go Wrong?
Kamala Harris picks woke beta male cuck Tim Walz as running mate. No one cares. They'll debate JD Vance, Trump's token Hillbilly, but who gives a shit? No date has been set because nobody wants to watch that garbage anyway.
Some Idiot in Austin Just Won $29 Million and Will Likely Waste It All on Austin Homes and Avocados
Some guy in Austin just won the lottery and is taking home $16 million after tax. What a fucking luck-swollen prick. Hope he parties hard and pisses it all away on hookers and blow.
Obama backs Walz for Veep. Whoop-dee-doo-dah.
Barack Bin Laden endorses a true cuck, Tim 'the Twat' Walz, for VP. What a surprise, another Democuck in bed with Big Tech.
Pajama Boy Walz Bonds With 'Weird' Harris Over Mutual Hate for Real Americans
Months before Kamala picked him, Tim Walz called MAGA dorks 'jerks'.
Here ya go, buddy: "NHC Wet-Blankets, Texas Set to Get Screwed Again."
Just what the world needs—another damn hurricane. This one's headed for the Yucatan Peninsula, because f*ck Mexico, right? Thanks, global warming. Might as well grab a margarita and watch the storm coverage on TV.
Oh great, another wet fart from Mother Nature, aiming right up Texas' butt crack again. Because Beryl wasn't enough of a pain in the ass. Thanks, NHC, you weather drama queens.
Oh fantastic, just what we needed! Another spinning asshole in the Caribbean deciding to go on a joyride towards the Yucatan. Because Beryl wasn't enough of a tease for Texas.