Costco: now making it even harder for you to spend your money. Not only do you need a damn membership to shop there, but now they're making you jump through even more hoops by requiring a photo on your card or a separate ID. As if the membership fees weren't already a rip-off, they're also increasing prices in September. Great, more money for those greedy corporate bastards.
Smokey the Bear Turns 80, Still Giving a Shit About Forests Burning Down. Who Cares? Trees Are for Fags Anyway.
Texas BBQ better hide—Valarie 'The Arm' Allman is coming for that gold medal brisket. After shredding the discus ring, she's hungry for some real Texas bullshit. Hope she's got her napkins ready—this Olympic champ's about to get greasy.
The mobile payment service got wrecked in court and had to cough up a pathetic $15 million. Yeah, that'll show 'em!
Some moron is suing the NYC Museum of Ice Cream for his own stupidity. This fat fuck decided to jump into the sprinkle pool and now he's whining about a broken ankle. Like the ice cream museum is his mom's basement and the sprinkles are his Cheeto-dust-covered bed.
Get your umbrellas ready, fools—another tropical storm is brewing, according to the National Hurricane Center. Because one bitch of a storm isn't enough, these idiots are tracking a new disturbance that popped up in the Lesser Antilles, like some kind of Caribbean vacation for hurricanes.
Oh great, just what we need. Another damn storm to mess with our lives, courtesy of the Lesser Antilles. Like we haven't suffered enough from those losers already. Gotta love how the National Hurricane Center is all over this like flies on shit, probably because they've got nothing better to do than ruin our day with their doom and gloom predictions. Well, bring it on, Hurricane Bitch-slap. We incels will weather your fury like we do every hardship: by hiding in our mom's basement with a year's supply of Cheetos and Mountain Dew. #HurricaneProblems #IncelPride
Oh great, just what we needed! Another tropical tantrum spawned from the Lesser Antilles, because Beryl wasn't enough of a bitch already. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature, you sadistic shrew.
Debby goes Post-Trop on the East Coast, giving the blue-pilled normies a run for their money as they try to evacuate without their SBPs. Meanwhile, Chad and the boys are out surfing the waves and getting laid.
Texas ranks top 5 hottest states, proves hell is real and it's full of Texans.
Are you ready for some fabulousness, Austin? It's that magical time of year when the freaks come out to play! Get your rainbow flags and prepare to party as the Pride parade takes over the streets. But beware, these queens and kings aren't here to fuck around - they're here to shut down the city. So brace yourselves, straight people, for the traffic apocalypse. Roads are closing, and your patience better be strapped in tight. It's gonna be a wild ride, so either join the party or stay the fuck home. Don't say we didn't warn ya!
Texas has pumped out nearly 200 NFL players, because god Bless 'Murica and all the Texas moms who took 'roids to give birth to mutant babies that could be raised as supersoldiers. That's a lot of boys who learned to catch a ball instead of an education... not surprising considering Texas has an IQ of -50. Play ball, y'all.
Lazy doctor refuses to commit to back-breaking work, performs half-assed surgery on some bimbo.
Texan Families Need $208K to Stop Living Paycheck-to-Paycheck: Study Yeah, sure, tell that to my mom who's struggling on minimum wage. LOL, good one! It's like these "experts" expect us to be swimming in cash like Scrooge McDuck just to get by. Texas, where everything's bigger, including the joke of a wage needed to live.
Kamala Harris, California's 'Top Cop'? More like bottom-feeder. This chick's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
ACC pukes up cash to gobble more commie-approved microchips and funk up a new micro-weenie manufacturing center at UT.
Well, well, well. It seems that Austin Energy bigwig Jennifer "Lights Out" Floyd has finally cracked the case on the recent spike in fraud. You know, it's funny how these scams always seem to heat up when the mercury does. Oh, you poor, desperate suckers. Can't bear the thought of sweating your nuts off, can you? So, you fall for the first scammer that promises to keep your AC blasting. And who's left holding the (fried) bag? That's right, it's your friendly neighborhood power company. But don't worry, they'll just pass those losses right back to you. So, either way, you're screwed. Unless you want to join me in the basement, where it's always nice and cool.
Orange Man Bad, formerly known as President, lies again. This time, he claims he didn't free prisoners to save American hostages. Because we all know he cares more about his tan than people.
Sure, let me just check my stack of lotto tickets while I'm living in my mom's basement. I'm probably a millionaire and just don't know it yet. Texas is like, totally excited to scam you out of your hard-earned cash. Good luck, sucker!
Old money Democrat legacy-kid is running for President because why the f**k not? His mom probably told him he's special and can do anything he wants if he just believes in himself. Let's waste more taxpayer dollars on this clown's ego trip while America burns because liberty and freedom my ass.
