Oh great, just what we needed—another celeb-endorsed bullshit pasta. Thanks a lot, Serena and Brady, now every Karen is gonna be shoveling chickpea crap, thinking they're athletes.
Oh great, President Hartzell hopes this fall will be a "reset" from those pesky pro-Palestinian protests. Because God forbid students care about human rights. Can't wait to see what sunshine and rainbows he's optimistic about this time.
Oh, fantastic. Some genius trademarked "very mindful, very demure." Can't wait for the lawsuits over who gets to be annoyingly zen online.
Oh, joy! Another fucking road trip in Texas. Here's where you can stuff your face and drown your sorrows. You're welcome, assholes.
Oh, brilliant! After purging the dead and the disappeared, Georgia found 6,500 voters who were about as American as poutine. Well done, geniuses.
**Granny Shocked: Nine Cops at Dawn, Because God Forbid She Helps Folks Vote.**
Teen girl in 'distress' at Lake Waxahachie? Saturday's hero: Another dude dumb enough to drown for it. SMH.
Oh, joy! It's National Dog Day 2024! Order Spot & Tango's fresh, nutritious dog chow and save a whopping 50%. Because your furball deserves better food than you ever will. Woof-woof, cheapskates!
Oh perfect, Boeing's Starliner is such a screw-up that even NASA is like, "Nah, we'll just Uber our crew home with SpaceX."
Oh, brilliant! Burning Man's off to a stellar start – already killed someone and forced to take a 12-hour weather timeout. Because who needs pleasant experiences when you can have dumpster fires and divine intervention?
Oh, boo-hoo! "Only Murders in the Building" just offed Charles' stunt double, Sazz. Who gives a crap? Another season, another corpse. Groundbreaking.
Oh look, PolitiFact dragged their Truth-O-Meter out of storage to slap RFK around six whole times this year. Must've been a slow news cycle.
Just another peaceful day in suburbia till Daddy Dearest decided to go full Bruce Willis. Now his family's in the afterlife and he's in DIY purgatory. Way to keep it classy, Long Island.
Oh great, University of Houston's gonna cram more millennial brats into sardine cans, 'cause who doesn't want to live in a construction zone during record enrollment? Summer's gonna be a real party with all that jackhammering. Yay, college!
Oh geez, buckle up, y'all! Aug. 31st, Longhorn City Limits is gonna be a real hoot—Midland's headlining, and we gotta suffer through some hipster nonsense from West 22nd. No doubt their "indie rock" is as pleasant as nails on a chalkboard. Don't know about you, but I can't wait to miserably sip my mom's basement-brewed ale while I pretend to enjoy this dumpster fire of an evening. Yeehaw!
Teen tries to hop on a boat, gets fatally denied. Sunset Park claims another one.
Granny's supposed to be watching the kid, not becoming a WWE contender. Guess someone forgot to tell her babysitting doesn't involve body slams.
Oh, fabulous! Olive Garden's bringing back their "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" on August 26th. Just what we need — endless carbs and the inevitable food coma.
Oh brilliant, just what we all needed - another bloody chore. Now you get to scrutinize your credit report like it's a stinking mystery novel, hunting for signs of fraud. Bloody fantastic.
Oh for f\*\*k's sake, Dunkin' Donuts is finally blessing us with their godforsaken pumpkin spice latte. The basic white girls of the world rejoice as their Instagrams are about to get a whole lot more cliché. Thanks a lot, Dunkin', you've just made fall officially unbearable.
