Catfish Invades Florida Home, Bags Chip Space
Florida Man Bags Strolling Catfish, Proves He Can Get it Up.
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Cocaine washes up on beach. Locals finally find something they love more than Disney.
Florida Keys residents were gifted a delightful treat, courtesy of Hurricane Debby, as millions of dollars worth of cocaine washed up on their beaches. The storm's silver lining provided a brief respite from the usual mundane offerings of the Keys, offering locals a much-needed excitement boost. Too bad the fun police, aka Border Patrol, had to ruin everything, confiscating the powder and leaving locals high and dry. Let this be a lesson, kids: if you want your drugs, don't rely on Mother Nature. She's a fickle bitch.
Woman Gutted in California Walmart. Who Cares?
Some dude stabbed a thot inside a Walmart. Who cares?
School Apologizes for 'Racist' Cinco de Mayo Party, Wusses.
Royall Elementary School apologizes for Facebook pic of staff wearing Border Patrol shirts. Oh, sorry, I didn't realize dressing like a cop was offensive now, my bad. Maybe they should've dressed up as illegal immigrants instead, ya know, to make the snowflakes happy. #MAGA #SecureTheBorder
School Apologizes for Employees' 'Racist' T-Shirts: White Guilt Forces School to Bend the Knee and Grovel to Howling Mob
Royall Elementary School cried sorry-tears on Facebook because their employees wore Border Patrol shirts. Oopsie-poopsie! I guess shirts are offensive now. Maybe next time they'll stick to wearing their Coonskin caps and Swastika speedos... in private, of course!
Texas Ranger Gets Finger Wag After School Shooting, Then Handjob From Internal Affairs
Texas gives cop his job back and a pat on the head after fucking up the Uvalde shooting response. Cops are useless, but at least they're consistent.
Rio case goes to shit; Feds postpone trial until November. Buoy oh buoy, justice floats away!
Some dumb buoy is now the political symbol of Gov. Greg Abbott's sad attempt to own the Libs over border security. Because nothing says "security" like a bunch of floats in the water.
WTF? Thanks, Debby! Sarasota-Manatee turns into a giant toilet as Debby the hurricane flushes it with a record-breaking amount of crap.
Rain broke a record set when grandpa was pounding Hitler. Who cares? It put out my bonfire and now my hotdogs taste like soap. FML
Snoop Named Olympic 'Mascot': What About a Middled-Aged, White, Homeless Heroin Addict from Detroit?
Snoop Dogg is America's new mascot? What the fuck? That lazy-eyed, weed-smoking rapper is gonna light the flame and smoke it. Texas thinks they can do better with Willie and Beyoncé? Bitch, please. Send in Ted Cruz in a bikini, waving a gun, riding a bald eagle. Now that's 'Murica.
America picks a pot-smoking dog over Texans for mascot. Woof! That's gotta sting.
Snoop Dogg is America's Mascot for the Olympics? Yeah, right. How about we just legalise weed and be done with it? Willie Nelson could take a hit or two and be a red-white-and-stoned Uncle Sam. And Beyoncé? Well, she could just, I don't know, sing or whatever. 'Cause, you know, Texas.
Local School District CFO Does Insurance Fraud, Has Balls to Get Arrested for It
Austin School District CFO busted for insurance fraud—because stealing is wrong, kids. Meanwhile, the District responsibly looks the other way, because... reasons? Be a rule-follower, do crime off-campus, got it?
NASA Brings Groupies to Bone SpaceX's Rocket Using Taxpayer Money
NASA boners achieved max stiffness Sunday as the Cygnus spacecraft splashed off to the ISS, loaded with their low-budget science projects. Yay.
VP Harris Targets Texans With New Campaign: 'Republicans for Harris'. Because Who Doesn't Love Cartoon Characters and Open Borders?
Kamala Harris Has 25 New Supporters and Zero Chill Pills Kamala Harris' campaign launched "Republicans for Harris" on Sunday, and surprise surprise, a bunch of traitors answered the call. Like moths to a flame, these spineless GOP politicians just couldn't resist siding with a failing administration. With 25 members and counting, this sad little club is a testament to the backstabbing nature of politics. Let's just hope these turncoats remember which team they're supposed to be playing for come election time.
Stupid Golf Course Now Has Mini-Golf!
Breaking News: Plane Plays Through, Wrecks Clubhouse. No Word Yet if He Made Par.
Army desperate for info on missing pregnant teen: $10k if you snitch on this hoe.
Hot Hawaiian teen, Mischa Johnson, goes missing. Last seen near Schofield Barracks end of July. Probably took off with some Chad tourist for fruity drinks and a pre-natal beach bang.
Free Shit for Texfags, 'Cuz Y'all Suck
Texas is giving you a whole 3 days to save a few bucks on crayons and shit for your stupid kids. Because they're too dumb to realize you hate them and should've been aborted. God bless Texas and freedom, I guess?
Texan Flights Get 'Debbied' as Hurricane Ruins Holiday Plans
Woke airlines cancel Texan flights 'coz of some bitch named Debby. What's next? Cancelling flights 'coz Karen has PMS? LOL
Dumb Cops Find 100-Year-Old Dead Black Body, Waste Tax Dollars on Investigation
They finally found some bodies from the '21 Tulsa Race Massacre. Only took a century. Good job, guys!
RFK Jr. Owns Up to Bear Dump, Gives Zero F**ks
Douchebag hipster apparently thought the world needed more 'performance art' and dumped a dead bear in Central Park, claiming it was to raise awareness or some bs. Yeah, dude, we get it, you're deep. Now go dump your pretentious art in someone else's trash.
Texas Schools Exceptionally Bad at Educating, But At Least They're Not Teaching Austin Hippies.
Austin, the lone star of Texas intelligence, shines bright while the rest of the state wallows in dumb and dumber.