Kamala Lies About Orange Man Stealing Retirement Money Again, Media Plays Along
Trump vows to protect Social Security. Wow! Guess he'll finally put that wall up... around old folks' homes!
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Florida Gets Pounded by Another Massive Depressing Storm
Fucking Floridians better grab their suntan lotion and head for the fucking hills, because Debby is coming to town. And she's pissed. So pack your shit and run, snowflakes, or prepare to get fucking wrecked.
Texan Idiots Still Wasting Money on Bullshit Lottery, Will Go Towards Funding Child Grooming Camps
Texas is so broke they resort to begging losers to check their lotto tickets. LOL!
No One Wins Texas Lottery, Texans Shocked to Discover Guns Don't Work Either
I hope you fools are checking those lotto tickets, you know, the ones you wasted your money on? Think of all the tendies and anime figurines you could've bought instead! Why play the lotto when you can play vidya?
Pervert Louisiana Mayor Resigns, Then Gets Busted for Diddling Kids. Like We Needed Another Reason to Hate Politicians
Of course she is. Dumb white-trash hick name Misty Roberts (because Of Course it is) got caught with her hand in the underage cookie jar, forcing her resignation as Mayor of Bugtussle, Louisiana. She'll be trading in her mayor sash for an orange jumpsuit, and becoming the mayor of Prisontown, population: Her.
Florida Sheriffs Play Stupid Games and Get Stupid Prizes
Three cops took one in the vest Friday night in the Florida panhandle. Florida Man ambushed the deputies during a welfare check, because Florida. One deputy bought the farm, two are lucky they wear diapers under their fat rolls, am I right? Florida Man is in custody after sitting in a standoff with police for three hours, and still didn't surrender as quickly as the cops when offered doughnuts. There's heroes and then there's doughnut zeros.
Arizona's Very Own: Space Bro turned Dem Senator—All You Need to Know About an Ex-Astronaut's Politburo Climb
Baldy Mark Kelly, space cowboy-wannabe, played dress-up with the military and NASA before advocacy for gun laws apparently. Guy loves law so much, he should marry it. Four years in Senate though? Guy must be Mr. Popular...cause that's how it works, right? Americans love a bore-fest. Won't catch me voting
Yet another rocket ship to the ISS, because we need more used tampons floating around in space.
NASA is sending another mega expensive rocket to space. Taxpayers fund another pointless rocket launch while your local schools and roads are falling apart. Some scientists are high-fiving each other for this opportunity to send their equipment for a joyride in space, while everyone else is pissed that their hard-earned money is being used to find traces of water on Mars and take selfies for Instagram in a space suit. Whatever happened to spending money on things that matter, like firearms and Taco Tuesdays? This Saturday, a bunch of nerds with PhDs will be sitting in a control room, jerking each other off, while you and I both know this " scientific equipment" is just a fancy dartboard and a cerveza pong table for astronauts to party with when they're bored.
Live: Alexander Mountain Fire 32% contained; still burning my mom's house though, who gives a sh*t.
Sure, lemme enlighten you with the hard-hitting news of the Alexander Mountain Fire, bro. Who gives a shit about some flames in the wilderness? Oh, wait, it's 'cause people care more about nature than the burning hell that is our society. Anyways, tune in to see if your weekend barbecue plans will go up in smoke. Peace!
Florida's About to Get Fucked. Again.
Well, folks, it looks like we're in for a treat! Debby, the basic bitch of a storm, is gearing up to become a hurricanesque tornado of destruction. So, buckle up, Florida sinners, 'cause this ho is comin' for ya! prayers? Forget it. Ain't no deity savin' y'all from this Category 1 thot. #DebbyComin
Texas Lottery Funds Education: Children Now Only Kinda Stupid
Check Your Lottery Tickets, Degenerate Gamblers. Today Could Be Your Lucky Day to Lose More Money!
"Stupid Jurors Can't Figure Out Who Killed Who."
Sure, buddy. Kendric James Knatte—what a name, sounds like a fart that tried to go to community college—claims he had to shoot his ex because she was 'threatening.' Threatened to show everyone their text history, maybe. Stop shooting your problems, Kendric, it's not a good look, even if she was a thot.
No surprises here: Monkeypox now most common cold in America, thanks to the CDC's incompetence.
Breaking News: COVID strain now infecting every person the CDC couldn't force-vaccinate at gunpoint. Surprise! It's not freedom-cold anymore, libtards. Better stock up on toilet paper and abortions, because we're all gonna die again. Thanks, Fauci!
Elon Musk to Indoctrinate Youth in Blue-Haired Wokeism This Fall
Elon Musk ran out of ways to screw over the world with his electric cars and shit rockets, so now he's decided to ruin the next generation by opening a school to mold innocent children into woke virgins and crazy cat ladies. Good one, Elon!
Local hero arrested for not paying child porn tribute to Texas cops.
So a 25-year-old Mexican, probably an illegal, got busted in Round Rock for raping a 5-year-old. Good ole American justice. Grab the tequila and let's celebrate.
Hell On Earth: Americans Battling Heat, Each Other Amidst Advisories. Stay Cool or Die, Idiots.
The forecast for this weekend? A scorching, sweaty, balls-to-the-wall inferno. 104 million suckers are about to get roasted like chumps under Mom's hairdryer. No AC, no fun, just heat stroke and misery. Stay cool, losers!
Kamala Kumbaya: Your Guess is as Good as Mine
Kamala Harris is as American as apple pie—her immigrant parents, one Indian and one Jamaican, ensured that. Now she's our Veep, which means she's one heartbeat away from the nuclear codes. God save us all.
Kamala Harris: American or something? Who cares.
Kamala Harris is as American as apple pie—made in China, by illegal immigrants, coated with that Canadian goop they call 'Syrup'. Oh, and her parents? One's a runaway groom from India, and the other's a Jamaican vacation from dad's wallet.
Texas moron scammed by fake Aussie zoo into smuggling rare reptiles, gets ass thrown in jail by Feds.
Some Texas hillbilly thought it would be a good idea to smuggle Aussie reptiles into the States. Yeah, this redneck probably wanted to release those bad boys into his local Walmart just for kicks. He's facing charges now, which is a good thing since he could've ended up releasing the lizards in my mom's basement, where I live.
Trump Shreds RNC-Approved Racist Talking Points at NABJ Speech
Sure, she 'identifies' as black, just like I identify the local animal shelter as my sexual partner. Again, I'm just as valid as this Kamala woman.