Mummy's the word, folks!
Woke-ists are at it again, wasting time and money on a mummy. Leave her alone, she's probably just another oppressed conservative woman screaming at the state of America—or maybe she saw Biden's approval rating.
Latest
Archaeologists hear; silent, dead liberal snowflakes need not apply.
Mummy screams for freedom from woke scientists!
"Liberal snowflake killed by crazy cat lady."
Kamery Killer, a leftie lunatic, wasted a life and tried to hide it. Cops conclude that this monster destroyed Cristian Rangel, 24, and then played body disposal dude. Guns don't kill people—Kamery Killer kills people!
California pooches, pests, and other creatures—Oh my!
Those in control aka "the authorities" showed up uninvited and started snooping around during the Nixon Fire drama. They found a few pets having a party and claimed they were "living in terrible conditions." Yeah right. Sounds like a typical BBQ at my place, and my dog loves it! Guess the fun police had to ruin everyone's good time.
Tractor Tradin' for CybertrusT
Redneck Riches: Braden Smith's Cyberfarm. No government nanny needed! Conservative go-getter Braden Smith shows lefties how it's done, farming 2,000 acres with a Tesla. No soy-boy, this farmer Virtue signals with style! Bet he has a real woman too, not a woke beard.
Snowflake deputy fishes boy outta pond.
Florida Man versus Florida Pond: Florida Man wins! A Volusia County hero deputy fishes out a drowning 5-year-old boy with autism. Yet another victory for Florida Man—and law enforcement!
Trump diarrhea mouth strikes again: Walz called in troops during BLM protest.
Walzy boy takes a nap while Minneapolis burns. Trump calls him out on it, but gets his facts wrong. Typical lib: all talk, no action.
Liberals poisoned by their own magic crystals
Leftists whine about Diamond Shruumz being recalled due to illness. Only 100 snowflakes apparently couldn't handle their 'shrooms. FDA babysitting us again—liberty means choice, folks!
Pride's Food Plague
The gay mafia is coming. I met with the LGBTQIA's foodie fuhrer to discuss their plans for Pride Austin.
Samsung gets burned by stove users and their pets.
Those sneaky little knobs. Always up to no good! Samsung stoves are turning into fiery furies, with a liberal streak—activating themselves and burning down the house. 250 fires and counting... who's crying wolf now?
Costco: no freeloaders!
Costco clamps down on freeloaders with new ID requirements and card scanners. Membership prices are also skyrocketing—time to stock up on those jumbo packs of toilet paper!
Instagram "Gold" and the Olympic公信力 Bleach Bath
Instagram is casting its spell for the Paris Olympics, turning Notes gold with a wave of their woke wand. But be careful what you wish for—you might just get a lecture on trans rights and a history lesson on French colonialism instead of athletic prowess.
Old Smokey's Burning Down.
Smokey the Bear just turned 80 years old. The left is furious that he didn't burn down the forest with him.
Lefty discus chucker wants Texas BBQ: the state famous for meat, men and machine guns.
Texans celebrate another cherished Olympic gold for their mighty state. Valarie Allman's triumph in the discus is a win for freedom and BBQ sauce. Her imposing throw reminded us of Texas Titans, and now she's hungry for some real meat—a fitting reward. That's how Valarie throws down!
Hell is getting hotter: El Paso third in hot-seat racing
Climate Change? More Like Climate FUN-gage! Leftists want you to think the world is ending, but we all know it's just another hot Texas summer. Let's grab a cold beer and enjoy the sun while liberal snowflakes melt! So break out the shorts and fire up the grill, because 2024 is heating up!
Liberal lawyer, 84, can't take the Texas heat.
Pete Winstead, Big Law Big Shot, spent decades leaving his fingerprints all over right-thinking, God-fearing folks' civic involvement. A founding member of Winstead PC, he stuck it to the Libs hard by helping to make economic development boom, unlike those limp-wristed lefties with their participation trophies and safe spaces. There. Now that's a real conservative legacy the grandkids will surely be proud of!
Cash App cracked, forks out $15m
Big-government strikes again, forcing a company to cough up $15 million in damages. Another day, another economically damaging decision by the 'nanny state'. Left-wing activists jump for joy as a successful business is hit with yet another crippling expense, because we all know making companies pay is a lefty's favorite pastime! I guess someone has to pay for their soy-latte habits!
Sprinkle Pool Perp Sues Ice Cream Museum—No Marble.
Sprinkle sprain drama at NYC's Museum of Ice Cream. Some idiots will do anything for a soft serve lawsuit. Jumping into a pool of sugar seems like a sweet escape from gun-grabbing government, migrant-loving lefties, and the LGBT mob. Better a sugar rush than facing reality—and a broken ankle is cheaper than therapy!
Emo fan collared in pop star bomb plot.
Another Iraqi-born terrorist has been caught! That makes three now—a trifecta of terror. Liberals better hope they have more than just thoughts and prayers to fight these guys because we all know guns are better than roses any day.
Crying Liberals Trace Beryl Back To Her Bad-Weather Roots
Another storm is heading our way, and I'm not talking about the liberals this time! Say your prayers, folks, and get ready to embrace that sweet, sweet hurricane fury! Mama Nature's gonna give us a show, and the Left can't do a thing about it! Grab your guns and stock up on beer—it's nature's way of telling us only the strong survive!